Futurama Continues: Season One
by Bendatron
Summary: The Planet Express crew are back in action and ready for 17 all new adventures. They will encounter the subjects of greed-removal, Indiana Jones-type quests, the ruler of deep space, the return of the Brainspawn, a dragon with powers, and a predator that appears to have come from a BBC sci-fi drama that will cause danger to all humanity.
1. Octoapocalypse

(This is an adventure that brings Bender and Nibbler together. I wrote it because they never hang out and I've always wondered what an episode in which the two hanged out together would be like.)

Opening Sequence plays

Caption: "Broadcast Everywhere (except perhaps New Caledonia)"

TV Screen: Coyote running after Roadrunner

Act one

(Act starts at a regular day at the Planet Express building. Fry, Leela and Zoidberg are watching _All My Circuits_ on the TV)

**Calculon** (shouting at everybody, on TV): NOOOOOOOOO!

(Bender walks into the room whistling and looks at the TV)

**Bender** (Shouting triumphantly): Woohooooooooo! This is going to be a good one, especially after he nearly got shot while walking the dog.

(Bender jumps onto the couch in between Fry and Zoidberg, but suddenly jumps off it because Nibbler was sitting on the area and has locked jaws onto Bender's ass)

**Bender** (Screaming): OHH! OUGH! WHAT THE (bleeps) IS (bleeps) HAPPENING! OH (extra long bleeps)!

**Fry**: That's got to be the most obscene scene I've ever seen.

(Nibbler drops off and climbs back onto the couch)

**Nibbler** (smoking a pipe): Watch where you're sitting, automaton.

**Bender** (muttering): Nddfghrryhyrenyt. Stupid overgrown rat!

**Leela** (picking up Nibbler): Don't say that about Nibbler!

**Nibbler**: Indeed.

**Bender** (angrily): That's it! I'm running away and going to one of those towns where you get into a lot of bar room brawls! Perhaps to Jupiter's moon Ganymede.

**Scruffy**: Scruffy knows that you won't go far.

**Bender** (angrily): Hey! Bite my shiny ass!

**Scruffy** (reading a magazine titled _Mind-Blowing Knockers_): Yup.

(Bender storms out.)

(Dramatic music plays)

**Fry**: Will Bender ever come back?

**Leela** (clenching her fist): Who cares?!

**Nibbler** (dramatically, to Leela): Don't feel bad, Leela. My cuteness attitude can only impress a certain amount of people, and Bender's a machine. Also we are fully aware about the toilet incident.

(The scene turns to the Professor's lab where Amy and the Professor are putting the finishing touches on a shady-looking machine. Bender comes into the room)

**Bender** (shouting): Hey wrinkles, I'm runnin' away!

**Professor** (dividing attention): Ok.

**Amy** (To Bender and putting down a spanner): Slees, Bender; what's the reason this time?

**Bender**: Ohh, you really want to know, really?

(Short silence)

**Bender**: It's simply because both me and that (bleeps) little chinchilla can't be on the same crap planet! But before I violently take to the streets, I will deplete the company's booze, hehehahe.

**Professor**: Oh my!

(Bender walks over to a cooler to get alcohol, only to find there is only one bottle left.)

**Bender** (exclaiming, shouting): What the (bleeps)?!

(Bender holds the bottle upside down, only to find there is only one drop left)

**Amy**: Any drops left, Bender?

**Bender**: That was the last drop! (Dramatically) Oh crap! I was too busy sticking humans into that suicide booth last night to keep up on alcohol! Oh for the love of Optimus Prime, it's a tragedy! Oh (bleeps)!

**Amy** (turning to the Professor): Professor, it's glovious that he won't stop swearing at everyone until you come up with some ingenious, but amoral, way of making him go without liquor.

(The Professor thinks for a few minutes.)

**Professor** (out loud): Good news, metal man; I may have just the thing.

(Amy and Bender look at each other and then at the Professor. The Professor creeps over to the machine and opens up a slot. Out of the slot comes an aquamarine glowing crystal.)

**Bender**: Ooh, shiny.

(The scene cuts to the TV room. Nibbler's eye on a stork grows to the size of a grapefruit.)

**Zoidberg** (frill opens up): Oooh, food!

**Nibbler** (standing up): No it's not.

**Zoidberg** (frill goes down, calling for help): Help! He's standing up! That often means they're going to kick you up the tucus!

(Zoidberg jumps up and runs out of the room screaming)

**Zoidberg**: Woop woop woop woop!

(The Professor implants the crystal into Bender's cabinet, replacing Bender's booze tank.)

**Professor**: There, now you're powered by this strange crystal I found in the limestone cavern underneath the building.

**Bender** (running out of the building): Well, so long meatbags, even though there isn't any on Farnsworth!

(The scene cuts to somewhere in outer space. Two red glowing, sinister eyes open up.)

**The creepiest, ear splitting voice imaginable**: Finally! At last, the presence of my species' rule has at last (dramatic sting) come!

(The scene cuts to the evening at Fry and Bender's apartment. Bender is clearing out the place of his stuff, while Fry has fallen asleep on the couch while watching the TV. The channel has gone haywire.)

**Bender** (to Fry): Hey Fry! I'm out o' here!

(Fry is too deep in his sleep to hear it, and he is also snoring. Bender walks out of the apartment with his stuff mumbling. As he walks down the street, you can see Sal leaning on a lamp post.)

**Sal** (looking at Bender): Who knows where he goeses.

(The scene cuts to an alleyway near the Planet Express building at night. Bender walks down the alleyway and looks at a dumpster and sees a black tentacle sticking out of it.)

**Bender**: Stupid garbage, might as well give Leela something to remember me by.

(Bender walks up to the dumpster laughing. He lifts up the lid, but suddenly out comes three monsters the size of beach balls. They look like black floating squids with huge red glowing eyes, and they are very sinister looking too. The one in the middle speaks in the most creepy, ear-splitting voice imaginable. Bender cowers back in fear squealing.)

**Squid #1**: You are Bender Bending Rodríguez, serial number: 2716057, unit: 22, inspected by: Inspector #5?

**Bender**: Do I know you? (Threatening) Are you one of my enemies?!

**Squid #1**: We are the network hovering squids, the enemies of this godforsaken universe!

**Bender**: So?

**Squid #1**: You have something that belongs to us!

(The squids open up Bender's cabinet revealing the crystal.)

**Squids** (simultaneously): The Sacred Crystal of Gamma!

**Squid #2**: Give it to us!

**Squid #3**: Immediately

**Bender** (doing a back sign with his hands): Woah woah woah! Old man wrinkles told me this thing is my power source! So back off, cephalopod crap head!

**Squid #1** (angrily): Take it by force!

(The two squids on the sides grab Bender, pull him to the ground and keep his cabinet open. The other squid slipped his tentacles into Bender's cabinet. Bender tries to kick at the squid as a last ditch attempt.)

**Squid #1**: You can't escape from your destruction, prepare to die!

(The squid laughs evilly. Suddenly a gun off screen shoots at the two squids holding Bender, causing them to drop down (presumably dead). Both Bender and the remaining squid look over to see Nibbler holding a huge purple gun.)

**Nibbler** (ordering the squid): Let go of the robot!

**Squid #1** (at Nibbler, rhetorically): Why should I give a brainspawn?!

**Bender** (shouting): Something's going on here. But what the hell is it?!

**Squid #1** (at Bender): Shut up, you puny piece of mercury!

**Bender** (at the squid): I'm 40% mercury.

(The squid, now fed up with Bender, throws Bender at Nibbler. Nibbler dodges and Bender hits the wall. Bender stands up and elevates his antenna.)

**Nibbler** (to Bender): Quickly! To my ship!

(Bender and Nibbler run to the shed where Nibbler keeps his ship.)

**Squid #1** (angrily, at Bender and Nibbler): Come back, puny creatures!

**Bender** (at the Squid): Then why did you throw me at the weasel?!

(Nibbler opens up the shed door and brings out his ship. Nibbler hops into the ship. Bender squeezes in.)

**Bender**: The network hoverwhatever squids can just go bite my shiny metal ass!

(The ship blasts off into space leaving the squid in the alleyway. The squid growls.)

**Squid #1** (threatening): Oh escape you might, but you have not made fun of the last of me! I will get the last laugh, you'll see!

(The squid laughs evilly but abruptly stops.)

**Squid #1**: That was my…um…Second to last...Laugh.

Act two

(Nibbler's ship to a Nibblonian mother ship)

**Bender**: What's this dump?

**Nibbler** (melodramatically): This is the centre of the Nibblonian elders' fleet. It's the highest form of intellect and weaponry in the galaxy.

**Bender** (lighting a cigar): Yeah, yeah.

(The transmitter crackles into life)

**Nibblonian** (through transmitter): Nibblonian mother ship to incoming vessel, state your name and clearance code.

**Nibbler** (into transmitter): This is Lord Nibbler, ambassador to Earth, I come with urgent news!

**Bender** (commenting): Big whoop.

(Nibbler's ship boards the Nibblonian mother ship. Nibbler and Bender walk down the hall til they reached an identity scanner. Bender slams his hand on the scanner. The scanner simply makes a rejection noise.)

**Bender** (angrily): Damn, (bleeps)ing stupid machine!

**Nibbler** (to Bender): That's simply because the mainframe computer has no record of your hand identity.

**Bender** (at Nibbler): I was getting to that.

(Nibbler touches the scanner with his paw and the door opens. Bender and Nibbler walk into the room. In the room there is a large round meeting table with all the Nibblonian elders sitting round it.)

**Head Nibblonian elder** (at Nibbler and Bender): Sit down.

(Nibbler and Bender sit on the two spare seats. Bender has to put his feet on the table, on account of him being too tall.)

**Head Nibblonian elder**: The elders recognise Lord Nibbler, Ambassador to Earth.

**Nibbler** (standing up): Thank you. I'm afraid our secondary arch nemesis, the Network Hovering Squids, have discovered the Sacred Crystal of Gamma!

(The Nibblonian elders start talking amongst each other. The head Nibblonian elder stands up dramatically)

**Head Nibblonian elder** (dramatically): I ask you one question, Ambassador; do you know where it is?

**Nibbler**: Indeed.

(Nibbler jumps onto Bender.)

**Nibbler**: Right inside...

(Nibbler opened up Bender's cabinet and revealed the crystal.)

**Nibbler** (continuing, dramatically):...the Robot!

(Dramatic sting)

(All the elders gasp in shock.)

**Bender**: What on Earth is this thing got to do with those things?

**Nibbler**: Everything! I just didn't tell you...yet.

**Bender** (pretending to listen): Ohhhh! What?

(The head Nibblonian elder sighs and turns on a hologram in the centre of the table. The hologram fades out. The head Nibblonian elder sighs again.)

**Head Nibblonian elder** (frustrated): Gary! Come over. It's busted...again!

(The scene cuts to the Planet Express building's TV room. Fry, Leela, Amy, Zoidberg, Hermes, the Professor and Scruffy are gathered around the TV. The channel they are watching is showing the Oscars.)

**Commentator** (off screen, on TV): And now to presenter of our tonight's nominations, Geoffrey Rush's head!

(The curtains open to reveal Geoffrey Rush's head on an announcement panel.)

**Geoffrey Rush's head** (on TV): Good evening. Tonight we start by saying the nominees for best...

(The program suddenly changes to the news. Behind Linda and Morbo is a square with a picture of a network hovering squid in it.)

**Linda** (on TV): We interrupt the Oscars to give you a special announcement. Across Earth, people have noticed strange floating squid creatures. It is believed we could be some kind of invasion on our hands.

**Morbo** (angrily, on TV): Finally an invasion of Earth happens... BUT I DON'T GET INVOLED! Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr!

(Linda laughs. The channel suddenly goes haywire. It comes back with the squids on it.)

**Squid #1**: Pathetic people of Earth...We are the network hovering squids! We are powerful beings and we will destroy this very planet...unless you hand over this robot...

(The squids create a picture of Bender. The Planet Express crew gasp as they watch it.)

**Squid #1**: If you resist us, we will destroy the Earth and all its inhabitants! Not even a fruit fly will be spared! You have 24 hours. No droid within that time, then kiss your asses goodbye, FOREVER!

(The Planet Express crew gasp again.)

**Hermes**: Sweet gecko of Sorrento! We have to hand over Bender, or we're deader than a pine tree!

**Fry** (begging): NO! We can't hand Bender over! He taught me how to shave...Also, he's our friend...Oh and also, he's disappeared!

**Leela**: That's strange, 'cause Nibbler has also disappeared!

(Zoidberg comes running in.)

**Zoidberg** (jollily): Friends, Friends, the shed in the alleyway is empty! I got a luxurious new place to live.

**Amy**: Wait? Doesn't Nibbler keep his ship in that shed?

(Dramatic pause)

**Scruffy**: Scruffy thinks there could be a connection. Uh-uh.

**Professor** (frustrated): Irrrr. I was going to sell that ship to Billionaire Bot, but now no ship, no money.

(Frantic music plays)

(The scene changes to a montage of the squids looking for Bender. Across the world the robots they look at are: Hedonismbot (who is pouring jelly onto himself), Calculon, Blatherbot, Humorbot 5.0, Emperor Nikolai, iHawk, Monique, the Robot Mafia, Destructor, the Clear Cutter, the Crushinator, Anglyne, Hookerbot 5000, Fender, Unit 2013, Femputer, the Fratbots, Robopuppy, Malfunctioning Eddie (who explodes), Amani, and Roberto (who attempts to stab them))

**Roberto**: How you like this?! HAH HAR! AH HA HAR AH HAH HAR! AH HAR AH HAR EH HEH HER! AH HAR AH HAR EH HEH HEH!

(The scene cuts back to the Nibblonian mother ship. The Nibblonian elders have finally gotten the hologram up.)

**Head Nibblonian elder** (the hologram showing what he is taking about): Finally, I got it up. Thanks, Gary.

(The hologram shows what the Nibblonians will say.)

**Head Nibblonian elder**: Now back to serious business, when the universe was first created, our race was already...

**Bender** (interrupting): Yeah, yeah, I get the point.

**Head Nibblonian elder** (surprised): You do?! Are you aware of our race's existence? Have you been secretly all the time following our every...

**Bender** (interrupting again): Of course not! I just know because old iron balls deplorer over here told us all about it after we found out his real intellect crap. Stop being so melodramatic!

(Nibbler stands up again)

**Nibbler** (the hologram showing what he is taking about): Let's cut to the chase. The network hovering squids are one of this universe's greatest enemies! Since the time man took his first steps into the new world, the squids have had hatred for all life! They worshiped their god, Crann, a terrifying beast with great darkness in his heart! The squids had plans to pray to him to destroy Earth! However, Crann was imprisoned by our race a millennia ago for his crimes against Universe Gamma. We put him to sleep, far beneath Earth's surface.

(The hologram finishes)

**Nibbler** (continuing): Somewhere underneath Earth he still remains. The squids know how to release him, the crystal is the key. If they should acquire the crystal, the universe will be...DOOOOOMED!

**Bender** (making a point): Woah woah woah! How's this crap got to do with me, Bender?

**Head Nibblonian elder** (to and pointing at Bender): Because the crystal that is going to be used to release Crann is the same one powering YOU!

(Everybody in the room recoils in shock)

**Head Nibblonian elder** (continuing): The only way to stop them is to destroy the crystal!

**Bender** (not listening and lighting a cigar): Ok.

(Bender suddenly remembers that the crystal is his power sauce and spits out his cigar.)

**Bender** (shouting): Ahh, wahhh! But, but, this apocalyptic crystal is my power source. I don't want to die...again...because it hurts more the second time!

**Nibbler** (to Bender): Fortunately for you Bender, that is not an option.

**Bender** (over-excited): WOOHOO! YEAH...Wait? Why?

**Nibbler** (informing): Because, even if the crystal is destroyed the squids will still destroy the Earth and all its inhabitants!

**Bender** (shouting): WOOHOO...

(Bender starts celebrating)

**Nibbler** (informing Bender): But we have needs for you, Bender.

(Bender stops celebrating, mutters and rolls his eyes.)

**Nibbler** (announcing): What we need for you is to stop the squids. The crystal can give you enough power to destroy the gate and stop Crann forev...

**Bender** (interrupting, threatening): Up yours ferret!

**Nibbler** (to Bender): Bender, there are three good reasons why you should help us.

**Bender** (at Nibbler): Oh yeah! Then blurt it out, Capybara Face!

**Nibbler** (expressing the amount using his fingers): 1# all your friends' lives are at stake. 2# the squids will just track you down and destroy you later.

(Short silence)

**Bender** (getting angry and shouting): Hey! That was only two you (bleeps)!

(Nibbler gets out some photographs.)

**Nibbler** (feeling full of himself): And finally 3#. Perhaps a certain bending unit wouldn't like it if some fembots saw these blowing about on the streets.

(Bender looked at the photographs, and saw they were pictures of him and Amy making out. A Nibblonian guard looked at the photographs and laughed his tiny head off.)

**Bender** (frustrated and slamming his fist onto the table): Ok, ok, you have a deal! If save humanity I must, then save humanity I shall!

(Dramatic sting)

**Bender** (to Nibbler): And also, I'll only do it also if you be my butler for twelve fortnights.

**Nibbler** (to Bender): Ok, anything to save all life.

Act three

(The Nibblonian fleet approaches Earth. Bender, Nibbler and the Nibblonian elders are standing in the cannon room.)

**Bender** (to the Nibblonian elders): Now let's run through this again. I go to Earth and wha?

**Head Nibblonian elder** (explaining to Bender): You go to Earth and use the power of the crystal's power to destroy the gate.

**Nibbler** (to Bender): The squids would have dug it up by now.

**Bender** (putting on a helmet): Let's go kick some tentacled ass!

(The scene cuts to outside Madison Cube Garden. Fry, Leela, Amy, Zoidberg and the Professor look at the squids carrying a gigantic, ancient-looking stone gate.)

**Professor**: It's the apocalypse now. How come I have the feeling that I'll be the one to take the blame?

**Leela** (putting her hand on the Professor's shoulder): It's nobody's fault Professor. None knew that these (bleeps) would attack Earth.

**Zoidberg**: It wasn't Zoidberg's fault either. (Angrily) YOU ALL REMEMBER THAT! (Frill opens up) ARHHHHHH!

(The scene cuts to the Nibblonian mother ship's cannon room. The Nibblonians get Bender ready to be shot out of a cannon. Bender climbs into the cannon.)

**Nibbler** (to Bender): Ready?

**Bender** (popping into the dark hole): I was built ready!

(Bender pops his head out of the darkness.)

**Bender**: Although, how exactly do I harness this power, sort a stu...

(A Nibblonian pulls a lever and shoots Bender out of the cannon and off to New New York.)

**Bender** (first slows down, then goes through the Earth's atmosphere): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, HOT HOT HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!...

(The scene cuts to back outside Madison Cube garden. The squid that evaded Bender and Nibbler in the alleyway sits atop the roof of Madison Cube garden.)

**Squid #1** (grumpily): You fail to give up one miserable machine?! Then you may as well be...DESTROYED! Which as luck would have it, you will...

(Bender suddenly slams through the glass of Madison Cube garden. He comes running out through the doorway.)

**Bender** (at the squids): You terrible squids have met your match...

**Fry** (excitedly): Bender! You came back!

**Squid #1** (self-satisfied): Ahh yes! Finally come to give yourself up, huh!?

**Bender** (at the squids, raising his voice): Never! Your short reign is for...How d'yah say it? Oh wait it is forfitaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

(The squids grab Bender.)

**Bender** (angrily): Get your slimy tentacles off me you damn greasy squids!

(The crew gasp as the squids bring Bender up to the gate and open his cabinet.)

**One random squid**: Huh? I guess we can open the gate with the crystal without taking it out of the robot.

(The power of the crystal opened the gate, and out comes a giant network hovering squid that looks even more sinister and creepy than the others, and it speaks even more sinister and creepy too.)

**Crann**: Freeeeeeee! Finally at last! Inferior carbon-based lifeforms, I am Crann, god of the network hovering squids, and your DOOOOOM!

(The squids drop Bender and he lands next to the rest of the crew. Crann starts attacking the city, destroying buildings with his tentacles and his telekinetic powers.)

**Bender** (exclaims, to himself): Ah crap! I'll have to do all the work for the rest of twelve fortnights...Plus all the fembots will think that I'm still robosexual!

**Fry** (at Bender): Wha?

**Bender**: Long Story. Oh great, now we're all doomed! And it's all thanks to this damn crystal!

(Bender opens up his cabinet to reveal the crystal.)

**Amy** (comforting Bender): Ohh, don't blame yourself, Bender.

**Bender** (to all the crew): I don't blame myself, nor' all of you, I blame...NIBBLER!

(Dramatic sting)

(Bender grabs some kind of walkie-talkie out of his cabinet.)

**Bender** (into the walkie-talkie): Yo, possum face, how do ya unleash the power (bleeps)!

**Nibbler** (out of the walkie-talkie): Simply tap onto it three times and say OOGAA BOOGAA.

**Bender** (angrily, into the walkie-talkie): Hey I'm not sayin' that! It makes look stupid!

**Nibbler** (shouting through the walkie-talkie): Just do it. Or do you want to do manual labour for the rest of the week?!

**Bender** (exclaiming into the walkie-talkie): What! I'm doing it right now!

(Bender taps the crystal three times.)

**Bender**: OOGAA BOOGAA

(Bender suddenly grows 500ft tall.)

**Bender** (walking up to Crann): Big Bender's back, baby!

**Hermes**: Wow! What's happenin', mon?

**Crann** (exclaiming): No! My rule is eternal, FOREVER!

(Bender and Crann start fighting brutally. They smash buildings over each other. A DOOP unmanned ship swoops down and shoots at Crann. Crann simply grabs the ship and flings it into the Big Apple Bank. Bender is about to take Crann out, when the Professor interrupts.)

**Professor** (shouting): Why is this even happening?! Giant floating squids? Growing robots? Blaming the sentient pet? What the hell is going on?!

(Bender is distracted.)

**Bender** (to the Professor): Oh. It is a long story that you don't want to...augggggggh!

(Crann grabs Bender's shoulders and slams him onto the ground.)

**Professor**: I don't want to...augggggggh? What kind of answer is that?

(Crann looks down at the overpowered Bender.)

**Crann** (at Bender): Prepare to die for you about to be destroyed in the most hideous, hideous...

(Bender suddenly rips the cannon of the crashed DOOP ship. He uses it like a gun. He blasts Crann, which disintegrates the monster within seconds.)

**Bender** (at Crann's remains): Hah! Caught you off guard, huh!

(All the squids retreated of into somewhere in outer space. Everybody cheered)

**Hedonismbot** (commenting): Now to go back to my mansion. Maple syrup, here I come. Ohhhhh yes!

(The only squid that remains (the one that Nibbler and Bender had encountered in the alleyway) looks angry.)

**Squid #1** (threatening at Bender): Meddling robot, you haven't seen the last of me!

(The squid looks behind himself and sees that he is the only one of the squids left on Earth.)

**Squid #1** (overly scared): Oh, well I guess you have seen the last of me then.

(The squid flees off after the other squids. Nibbler lands his ship outside Madison Cube Garden. He hops out of the ship and walks up to the crew.)

**Nibbler** (to Bender): Bender, you have saved us all! We Nibblonians have so much to thank you for. But we'll need to destroy that crystal.

**Professor** (to Bender): Yes, we'll go put back your old booze tank.

**Bender** (begging): Really? But actually, I kinda' like being like th...

**Professor** (shouting, shaking his fist): No more words!

**Bender** (going back to his original size): Ohhh!

(The scene cuts to later in the afternoon on at the Planet Express building. In the Professor's lab Fry, Leela, Amy, Zoidberg and Hermes watch as the Professor reimplants Bender's booze tank back into Bender. Scruffy mops up in the background.)

**Professor** (finishing the operation and closing Bender's cabinet): There, it is done.

**Nibbler** (whilst destroying the crystal with his eye laser): Indeed.

**Fry** (patting Bender on the shoulder): At least we have the old Bender back.

(Bender grabs a beer bottle and drinks it. He burps flames. Nibbler starts walking off, until Bender stops him.)

**Bender** (to Nibbler): Woah, woah, woah! I believe there is a certain thing you have to do first.

(Bender crosses his arms and puts up a smirk. Nibbler simply sighs.)

**Nibbler**: Damn!

(The scene cuts to the Planet Express building one week later. Bender lies on the couch in the TV. Bender is drinking 16 bottles of beer, wearing a peacock feather coat and smoking 11 cigars. Nibbler walks up holding a silver platter and wearing a butler outfit.)

**Bender** (to Nibbler): Don't worry Nibbler. Only eleven fortnights and one week left to go.

(Bender chuckles quietly and Nibbler walks away sighing.)

**Bender** (to the audience): Yeah, yeah, once again Bender saves the day.

(The credits begin)

**Nibbler** (off-screen): Indeed, but why did I make this (bleeps)ing choice?!


	2. Screwface

(After the Professor takes all of his greed, Bender becomes sweet and compassionate, but the greed finds its way into Leela. Meanwhile, Zoidberg's life is in danger as Donbot forces him to pay him protection money or they will brutally slaughter him.)

Opening Sequence plays

Caption: Gnagnar's Human Rinds presents...

TV Screen: Scene from Transformers G1

Act one

(Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy and Zoidberg are gathered around the conference room table sleeping. The Professor walks in with Hermes following him holding a package. Hermes drops the package on the table, causing the crew to wake up.)

**Professor**: Good news everyone, today you're going to make a delivery to Solem 12, the planet of the tapir people.

**Leela** (pulling the package towards her): What's the delivery?

**Hermes** (sitting down): Just some marijuana.

(Leela frowns. Bender stands up and walks towards the package)

**Bender** (overdoing it): Ahh, marijuana. Another example of a great way to...

(A weird "ding" noise comes from Bender. Bender opens his cabinet and takes out a tape recorder.)

**Fry** (pointing at the tape recorder): Hey Bender, what's that?

**Bender** (placing the recorder on the table): Oh, it simply a little thing a came up with since Professor. F there first said _"Good news everyone"_.

**Zoidberg** (looking at the recorder): Is it food, maybe?

(Bender connects the recorder to the big screen in the conference room.)

**Bender**: No.

(Zoidberg bursts into tears.)

**Bender**: Something better!

(Everybody looks at the screen. On the screen comes up a title saying _Professor Rap_ _by Bender_.)

**Bender**: I made a rap out o' it!

(Up comes on a montage of the Professor's constant good news everyone.)

**Professor** (on screen, rapping): Good-good-good-good

Ne-ne-ne-ne-n-news everyone

You'll-you'll-you'll-you'll

AH HAH-AH HAH-AH-AH-AH HAH

That's g-g-g-g-g-g-going to h-h-hu-u-urt when my h-h-h-heart b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-beats!

(Fry, Bender, Amy and Zoidberg laugh their heads off. Leela, the Professor and Hermes just frown.)

**Hermes** (informing): You all have reason to treat your boss with respect.

**Amy** (to Hermes): Smeesh, it's just a bit of fun.

**Professor** (angrily): Just make the darn delivery! What are we, some kind of comic relief group or something?

**Fry** (answering): Ah; actually, Professor...

**Professor** (even angrier): It's rhetorical!

(Bender jumps up on the table.)

**Bender** (pointing up in the air): Planet "Pineapple" Express away!

(Jamaican music plays)

(The scene cuts to the Planet Express ship. The ship heads to a green jungle planet. The ship lands in a small town filled with weird aliens looking cross between humans and tapirs. Fry, Leela and Bender come out of the ship. Fry and Bender are carrying packages of marijuana. A small party of tapir people walk up to them. The tapir people have Indian accents)

**Tapir #1** (walking up to Leela): Welcome to Solem 12, friends.

**Fry**: Since when were we friends? We haven't even met before.

(Leela shoves Fry)

**Leela** (whispering to Fry): Fry, just get this delivery done and over with.

(Fry unloads the packages to some loading tracks using the hover dolly. A tapir walks up to a package and leans down to it.)

**Tapir #1** (sniffing the package): Ahhhhh. This will make a fine...watch you call it?

**Fry**: Uhhhh, smoke?

**Tapir #1**: Ahh, yes, smoke! Why thank you...ahh...don't tell me, don't tell me...Phyllis G. Fuy?

(Fry sighs and walks back to the ship with the hover dolly.)

(Sneaky music plays)

(The scene cuts to the interior of the place the tapirs are keeping the marijuana. Bender sneaks in and opens seventeen of the packages. He takes the marijuana out of them and stuffs the stuff inside of his cabinet.)

**Bender** (quietly): Hehehe. You can tell Bender to stay away from the drug, but will he listen? Hehehe!

(The scene cuts to the streets of New New York. Zoidberg is walking down the streets looking for food. Suddenly a voice comes from a dark alleyway.)

**Donbot** (off-screen): Seize im.

**Zoidberg** (turning his head to the alleyway): Wah?

(A wooden bat comes out of the alleyway and knocks Zoidberg unconscious.)

**Zoidberg** (getting knocked out): Ow!

(The scene cuts to an unknown place. Zoidberg is knocked out on the floor. Zoidberg begins to wake up.)

**Donbot** (off-screen): He'z awake.

(Zoidberg wakes up to see he is in the Robot Mafia hideout. Donbot is sitting on a large chair. On his right is Joey Mousepad and on his left is Clamps.)

**Zoidberg** (scared and cowering back in fear): Ahhhhh! Don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me!

**Donbot**: Your pathetic act won't zave you thiz time, Doctor Zoidberg!

**Clamps** (realising it's Zoidberg): Hey, you're dat zhrimp that cut off my Clamps! MY CLAMPS! MY CLAMPS! MY CLAMPS, you liddle basderd!

**Joey Mousepad** (to Clamps): Yeah, Francis. Ehhehe.

**Clamps** (angrily, muttering): Fgerhgbyvrbb Clamps Clamps grfggrdtr!

(Donbot gets out a gun and shoots the roof to get everyone's undivided attention.)

**Donbot** (frustrated): Now get back to buzinezz, you knuckleheadz! Dr. Zoidberg, you live in mafia territory...

**Zoidberg** (almost pleading): But I live in a dumpster.

**Donbot**: Id still countz medical crab! Timez up, you have do pay thiz week'z prodecdion money! Pay uz 9,000,000,000,000,001 dollerz in two weekz, or you know what happenz!

**Clamps** (running up to Zoidberg): Da clamps!

(Clamps starts clamping his clamps at Zoidberg's face. Zoidberg walks back in fear and bumps into Joey Mousepad who knocks him out again. Zoidberg wakes up in the streets.)

(Sad music plays)

**Zoidberg** (scared): What will I do?!

(The scene cuts to the planet Solem 12. Bender sneaks off to the ship giggling but bumps into a tapir. This one is a female.)

**Tapir #2**: Where you going robot?

**Bender** (shuffling away): Ahhhhh...Nowhere.

(Bender trips over a rock. The marijuana pours out of his cabinet. The tapirs are shocked and angry.)

**Bender** (looking at the tapirs): Oh daffodil!

(The tapirs beat Bender up. The scene cuts to the conference room at the Planet Express building. Fry, Leela, Amy, Zoidberg and Hermes are sitting at the table. Bender and the Professor are standing up. Bender is looking ashamed.)

**Professor** (angrily): So you just grabbed the marijuana!

**Bender** (making a comeback): Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I don't see what the big deal is.

**Professor** (angrily): The big deal is that those anthropomorphic know-it-alls have ordered an immediate refund! Your greed is out of control!

**Bender** (lighting a cigar): Well too bad. You can't change a leopard's spots.

**Professor**: Ah, not naturally, but with the miracle of science it is possible. Anything is possible in science.

(The Professor leans over and picks up a ray gun-like invention. He blasts a red light at Bender. After a few minutes the light stops.)

**Professor** (to Bender): Do you want this new-gold-wristwatch?

(The Professor shows Bender a new, priceless, sparkling, gold wristwatch. Bender shakes his head.)

**Bender**: No. It belongs to you.

(Everybody, except for Bender and the Professor, gasp. The Professor simply smirks.)

**Professor**: Oh yes! My new invention that I've been labouring over day and night works!

**Fry** (raising his hand): Ah Professor, what the Bending unit just happened?

**Professor**: Well everyone, this is my new invention, the Takebadthoughtsoutofyourhead automatic, its purpose, to take out any thoughts of greed and lust!

**Everyone** (except for Bender and the Professor): Oooh!

**Amy** (to the Professor): And also, you could have made up a snazzier name for it.

**Bender** (to the crew): Well, I'd like to take all my friends out for tea at Elzar's.

**Everyone** (except Bender): Huhhh?

**Professor** (trying to think): Hmmm, maybe we took out too much of his greed, but nothing too serious.

(Leela stands up and walks to the cupboards in the kitchen. She opens a cupboard and grabs a can of _Red Minotaur_. She is about to drink it until Fry stops her.)

**Fry** (to Leela): Leela, I think you should stop drinking that stuff, it's terrible bad for your health.

**Leela** (to Fry): I'm sorry; it's just a bit addictive.

**Hermes**: Well, everyone get back to work.

(Fry, the Professor, Bender, Amy, Zoidberg and Hermes leave the room. Leela stays in the room and looks at the drink. She then walks over to the conference table and looks at the Professor's new invention.)

**Fry** (off-screen): C'mon, Leela. _All My Circuits_ is starting.

**Leela** (looking at the door): Ah, coming.

(Leela picks up the invention.)

**Leela** (thoughts): Hmm, Fry said it himself, I have a habit. Better get rid of it!

(Leela points the invention at herself. She presses the button, but it simply makes a rejection noise.)

**Leela** (lowering the device): What the?

(Suddenly the red light blasts out at the tip. But when it retracts something far different happens.)

**Leela** (talking like Bender): Jewels, crystals, money! I want them all!

(The reason for this strange thing happening is because instead of taking out her desire for the drink it gave her Bender's greed and lust. She starts laughing like Bender, but gets interrupted by Zoidberg.)

**Zoidberg** (off-screen): Ho ho ho. I don't get it.

Act two

(Dramatic sting)

(Act starts in the room where the Professor keeps his smelloscope. The Professor is standing outside a huge metal door with a lock. Fry, Leela, Amy, Zoidberg, Hermes and Cubert are standing around the Professor.)

**Professor** (proudly): Now you're wondering why I've called you all here today.

**Cubert**: You live here dad (oinks). And all these weirdies work here.

(Long silence)

**Professor** (angrily): Shut up! (Proudly) Anyways the reason I've called all you here is some exponentially good news, everyone! With Bender in a non greedy state, I can finally sleep in peace about keeping my diamonds safe.

**Amy** (scratching her head): I didn't even know you even had diamonds, Professor, smease.

(The Professor gets out a key and opens the metal door. It doesn't open easily though.)

**Professor** (frustrated): Oh blast it! What the hell is the combination!

(Bender enters the room carrying 4 gifts)

**Fry** (to Bender): Bender, where did you steal those gifts from?

**Bender** (nicely): I did not steal them, I bought em', for my best friends!

(Everyone except Bender and the Professor gasp)

**Bender**: Just to show you how much of a lucky robot I am to have friends like you guys.

(Bender walks up to Amy and gives her one of the presents.)

**Bender** (to Amy): Amy, this is for you. It's a new makeup kit. I heard the old one broke.

**Amy** (astonished, to Bender): Aw, that's actually very sweet.

(Amy and Bender hug. Bender then walks over to Zoidberg and gives him a present.)

**Bender** (to Zoidberg): Zoidberg, here's some coupons for you.

**Zoidberg**: Orowwwwl!

(Bender walks over to Hermes and gives him a present.)

**Bender** (to Hermes): Hermes, here's a new calculator.

**Hermes** (to Bender): Oh, mighty impressive, mon!

(Fry runs up to Bender)

**Fry** (excited, to Bender): Hey Bender, where's my present!

**Bender** (to Fry): Here it is.

(Bender hugs fry which sort of unintentionally strangles him.)

**Fry** (chocking): Bender...What type of...mamaf...ing present id...THIS!

**Bender** (letting go): It's just a hug for my friend! You're my friend, Fry!

(Fry gulps. The Professor finally gets the right turn.)

**Professor** (overly proud): Ah finally, in your face...whatever. (Turns to the crew) Feast your eyes, everyone, on THIS!

(The Professor opens the door and reveals millions of diamonds.)

**Everyone** (except for the Professor): Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

**Zoidberg** (raising his claw): How much do these diamonds cost?

**Professor**: About $9,000,000,000,000,001 for five.

(Royal sting)

(Zoidberg's eyes open up wide)

**Bender**: Ehh, who cares about diamonds? Not when I have you guys!

**Fry** (to the Professor): (sighs) Professor, won't you put Bender's greed back.

**Professor** (angrily, to Fry): Absolutely not!

**Zoidberg** (to Professor): Say Hubert, can I have five diamonds? Because there are these bad rob...

**Professor** (angrily, to Zoidberg): ABSOLUTLY NOT!

**Zoidberg** (sadly): Oh!

(Everyone begins to walk out of the room until they notice that Leela is not there.)

**Fry** (looking around): Hey, where's Leela?

**Bender** (holding up a present): Yeah, and I still haven't given her new contact lens to her yet.

(The scene cuts to the inside of the Planet Express ship. Leela is preparing some burglars tools that look like the ones that Bender bought in _Three Hundred Big Boys_.)

**Leela** (closing the kit): Those diamonds will be mine!

(Leela starts laughing like Bender. Fry walks into the room with his hands in his pockets.)

**Fry**: Hey Leela.

**Leela** (to Fry, chucking the burglars tools away): Ohh, hello Fry.

(Leela smiles to conceal her true intentions.)

(Sneaky music plays)

(The scene cuts to a montage of Leela trying to steal the diamonds. Leela hides up in the service ducts over the room where the professor keeps the smelloscope; she tries to use a powerful magnet on a chain to open the door but accidently pulls up Bender instead (fortunately the magnets sticks to Bender nowhere near his inhibitions unit so he doesn't flip out and act like a crazy folk singer) Bender waves, but Leela drops him. Leela then tries to shoot at the lock to unlock the door but mildly hits Zoidberg instead.)

**Zoidberg** (getting shot at): Ow!

(Leela then tries to use a tractor beam that the Professor made, but accidently picks up the Professor sleeping in his chair. The Professor wakes up but Leela returns him into place.)

(The scene cuts to the streets of New New York. Fry and Bender are walking to work. Bender is whistling cheerfully. They walk past an alleyway. Roberto jumps from that alleyway to in front of them holding his stabbing knife.)

**Fry** (scared and putting his hands up): Ahhh! Help! Police!

**Roberto** (to Fry, pretending to be friendly): Hi Red, buddy!

**Fry** (to Roberto): Roberto! What are you doing here?

**Roberto** (to Fry): Nobody takes me seriously...

**Fry** (begging to Roberto): But I think you're actually quite...

**Roberto** (to Fry, shouting): Shut up! To show them to take me seriously, I'm thinking of taking a life...A HUMAN LIFE!

(Roberto points his knife at Fry and is about to slash but Bender goes in front of Fry.)

**Bender** (heroically, to Roberto): You'll have to go threw me first!

**Roberto** (to Bender): Ok. Then have some this! (Swinging his knife around) AH HA WA WA WA WA WAAAAAAAA!

(Bender grabs Roberto's knife and bends it. Roberto starts to freak out. Roberto runs away screaming and waving his arms about in the air and slams into the wall. A crowd gathers around Bender. Mayor Poppenmeyer runs up to Bender.)

**Mayor Poppenmeyer**: A robot beats up and scares away that already crazed robot, now that's new and seamlessly important. (To Bender) Mr...

**Bender**: Bender.

**Mayor Poppenmeyer** (to Bender): Mr. Bender. Now that robot escaped from the HAL Institute for Criminally Insane Robots 12 months ago.

**Dr. Perceptron**: Indeed!

**Mayor Poppenmeyer** (to Bender): So as a reward, mister, we will give a large money order.

(Fry walks away with his hands in his pockets.)

**Fry** (sadly, to himself): The old Bender would have questioned whether to save me or not.

(The scene cuts to the Planet Express TV room. Leela is holding the burglars tools and is looking angry.)

**Leela** (angrily): Darn burglars tools, now I'll never get those darn diamonds!

(Leela throws the tools over her shoulder. The scene cuts to the conference room. Zoidberg is walking past the doorway that leads to the TV room. The burglars tools fly out and hits him in the knocking him down.)

**Zoidberg** (getting hit on the head): Ow! (Regaining consciousness) Oh c'mon, give me a break!

(Zoidberg stands up, picks up the tools and looks at them.)

**Zoidberg** (relieved): Hurray, free burglars tools! Things are looking up!

(Fry and Bender walk in.)

**Fry** (to Bender): Bender why'd you have to save me?

**Bender** (to Fry): Because you're my frien...

**Fry** (interrupting, to Bender): Please don't!

(The Professor enters the room.)

**Professor** (angrily): Bad news everyone, there's a thief among us!

(Everyone except for the Professor gasp)

**Professor** (angrily): The only reason that can be explained is somebody has got Bender's greed, which would mean that somebody's been playing about with the Takebadthoughtsoutofyourhead automatic, which would mean that they will be in even more trouble than imaginable. (Does the _I'm watching you mark_) I'm watching you!

(Zoidberg's eyes move shiftily. The Professor grabs the keys for the door and swallows them. Fry, the Professor, and Bender leave the room.)

**Zoidberg**: You can warn Zoidberg, but you can't stop him doing it for his life.

(The scene cuts to the Professor's room at night. The Professor is sleeping in his bed. Zoidberg sneaks in up to the bed with a magnet on a rod that he used in _Bender's Game_)

**Zoidberg** (quietly so not wake the Professor): Sorry, old friend, but Donbit won't be forgiving.

(Zoidberg uses the magnet to get the keys out. The scene cuts to the room where the Professor keeps the smelloscope. There are red detection lights scanning around the place. Zoidberg walks up to the entrance and cuts the wire for the security cameras.)

**Zoidberg**: Ah-huh! Zoidberg will get away!

(_Mission Impossible_ music plays)

(Zoidberg jumps over a light and rolls. Then he crawls underneath a light. He shifts to one side to evade a light. He twirls past two lights. He runs past some lights. He jumps atop a bookcase and jumps down in front of the giant door. He unlocks it and takes out five diamonds.)

**Zoidberg** (overexcited): Hurray!

(Zoidberg flings his arms back and hits a light. An alarm rings.)

**Alarm voice**: Intruder alert! INTRUDER ALERT!

(The Professor walks in wearing his pyjamas and holding a gun.)

**Zoidberg**: Oh no!

(Music ends)

Act three

(The act starts in the TV room. The Professor is furious with Zoidberg. Bender, Amy, and Hermes are watching _Everybody Loves Hypnotoad_.)

**Professor** (angrily, at Zoidberg): Owwwwo, I should have known you fiddle with my stuff, like what you did with my bottle!

**Zoidberg** (pleading, to the Professor): Please I beg you, I only tried to steal it because the Robit Maf...

**Professor** (furious, at Zoidberg): Quiet! (Turning around to grab some paper off the table) Now then, the punishment for attempted larceny and fiddling around with labatorium equipment is simply...What the!

(Zoidberg runs through the window.)

**Zoidberg** (smashing through the glass): Woop woop waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!

(Zoidberg lands luckily on a hover bus. The scene cuts to O'Zorgnax's pub. Zoidberg is sitting on a bar stool. iZac is serving at the counter.)

**Zoidberg** (sadly): Ohh. I'm a lobster roll, definitely!

**iZac** (to Zoidberg): What's wrong, Dr. Z, It looks like you have the weight of the worlds on your shoulders.

**Zoidberg** (sadly, to iZac): Boss slash friend hates me, Robit Mafia loan and I have no money at all!

(Zoidberg bursts into tears.)

**iZac** (to Zoidberg): Ohh, want anything to drink?

**Zoidberg** (sadly, to iZac): No, I have no money.

**iZac** (to Zoidberg): Oh, you said so. It's just I really get used to saying (pointing his fingers at Zoidberg) you got it!

**Zoidberg** (to iZac): Even if I had money I couldn't drink here and get away with it! The Robit Mafia is giving me a fine of 9,000,000,000,000,001 dollars! And Francis will want to get his squeezers around my neck!

**iZac** (to Zoidberg): Then it's obvious what you must do, if you're going down then take em' down with you!

**Zoidberg** (realising what he could do): Yes, I give the bad robits what's coming to them! (To iZac) Thanks iZac.

**iZac** (pointing his fingers at Zoidberg): You got it!

(The scene changes to the room where the Professor keeps the smelloscope. Leela is walking past the entrance but stops in front of the entrance to look in. Scene pans out revealing the five diamonds Zoidberg dropped. Leela runs up to the diamonds.)

**Leela** (greedily, picking up the diamonds): Finally the diamonds belong to ME!

(Leela laughs like Bender. The scene cuts to an alleyway in New New York at night. The Robot Mafia is waiting there. Donbot is sitting on a chair. Joey Mousepad is standing on to left and Clamps is standing to his right. Donbot is checking his clock.)

**Donbot** (getting impatient): Wherez dat pezky liddle amphipod?!

**Joey Mousepad** (to Donbot): Wid all due rezped bozz, I think da crab scuddled away.

**Clamps**: Den he can dalk do DA CLAMPS!

(Clamps starts clamping his clamps. Zoidberg walks into the alleyway.)

**Donbot** (to Zoidberg): Bout dime! Where you been?

**Zoidberg** (angrily): To take you down! Balaaaaaaaaar!

(Zoidberg is about to take one step towards Donbot but Joey and Clamps get out there guns. Zoidberg steps back.)

**Donbot** (to Zoidberg): Nice try! One step and Joey and Clamps will mezz you up lobzter geek! Now, where'z my money?

**Zoidberg** (angrily): No money!

**Donbot**: Very well. Joey, Clamps mezz fill him wid lead!

(Joey and Clamps load their guns. Zoidberg gets out a gun and points it to Donbot.)

**Zoidberg** (angrily, to Donbot): Not so fast! If they shoot me I shoot you!

(Clamps walks up to Zoidberg and grabs the gun. Clamps clamps it which destroys it. Clamps walks back to his original position.)

**Zoidberg** (sadly): Ohh, am I dead meat?

(All three members of the Robot Mafia nod their heads.)

**Zoidberg** (seemingly ok with it): Oh, ok. (Freaks out and clapping his claws) Ahhhhh!

(Zoidberg runs behind a trash can.)

**Zoidberg** (screaming): Ahhhhh! Woop woop woop woop!

**Donbot** (to Joey and Clamps): Zoot im! Make im zuffer!

(Joey and Clamps start shooting at the trash can. Clamps is laughing like a maniac. Zoidberg cowers in fear behind the trash can. The scene cuts to the TV room in the Planet Express building. Bender, Amy and Hermes are still watching _Everybody Loves Hypnotoad_. Suddenly a bullet hits the window. All three characters are surprised.)

**Amy** (surprised): Gash, what was that?!

**Bender** (walking over to the window, scratching what would be his chin): Hmm, that's a very good question.

(Bender looks out the window and sees the Robot Mafia trying to shoot Zoidberg. Amy and Hermes walk up to window next to Bender. All three characters gasp.)

**Hermes** (shocked): Great fences of Texas, Zoidberg's going to be shot to death! And also, they don't allow you to dump remains into sewers anymore!

(Bender walked back for a charge.)

**Bender** (charging through the window) I'm coming Zoidbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

(Bender smashes through the glass.)

**Hermes**: Now we have to buy another replacement window!

**Bender** (falling towards the Robot Mafia): eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerg!

(The Robot Mafia stops shooting and looks at Bender. Zoidberg creeps away.)

**Donbot** (to Bender): Bender, wad are you doing here? I thaud you where in robod hell by now.

**Bender** (nervous): I'm not Bender. I'm...ahh...Nonchelanto.

**Professor** (shouting from the Planet Express building): That's my circus alias!

**Bender** (shouting to the Professor): Hey, you stole my body and left me to get use to those boobs flapping every which way!

**Donbot** (to Bender): Ok Noncelanto. (To Joey and Clamps) Joey, Clamps, ruff im up!

(Action music plays)

(Scene switches to slow motion)

(Clamps charges at Bender clamping his clamps. Bender jumps out of the way sending Clamps into a wall. Clamps gets one of his clamps stuck in the wall. As Clamps tries to pull his clamp out, Bender goes up behind Clamps and punches him in the back of his head, knocking him out cold. Clamps growls as he gets knocked out. Joey Mousepad runs at Bender but Bender kicks him sideways in the chest sending Joey flying backwards screeching.)

(Slow motion stops)

**Bender**: Punk ass mafia!

(Bender suddenly slips backwards and lands in front of Donbot. Donbot throws away his coat and hat.)

**Donbot** (to Bender): When will you learn, Noncelanto, dat deres an order to dings; some ged money, otherz give money!

(Donbot gets out a gun and is about to shoot Bender, but a bottle is smashed at the back of Donbot's head. Donbot falls on his front. It turns out that Zoidberg was the one who smashed the bottle.)

**Zoidberg** (cheerful): Hurray, a happy ending for Zoidberg! Hey wait a minute, what's Leela doing sneaking around with those diamonds?

(Leela is sneaking past the alleyway holding the diamonds. Bender walks up and stands in front of her.)

**Bender** (to Leela): Going somewhere?

(Leela drops the diamonds and puts her hands up.)

**Bender** (crossing his arms): I think we solved the case of the missing greed thief.

(Zoidberg runs up and grabs the diamonds.)

**Zoidberg** (shouting over to Donbot): Hey Donbit, I've got you're 9,000,000,000,000,001 dollars right here!

**Donbot** (disorientated): Uhhhh...Who cares?...I jusd wanded id do buy Fanny a braceled for her birdday.

(Donbot passes out. The scene cuts to the Planet Express building the next morning. Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, Zoidberg, Hermes, Cubert and the Professor are in the conference room. The Professor is taking all of Bender's greed out of Leela with the Takebadthoughtsoutofyourhead automatic. He finishes.)

**Professor** (putting down the invention): There, now I can rest in peace.

**Leela** (to the Professor): Sorry I tried to steal the diamonds, Professor.

**Professor** (to Zoidberg): I'm sorry I accused you, Zoidberg.

**Zoidberg** (to the Professor): That's okay, Hubert. But I'd like to thank robit, (to Bender) how can I ever repay you? I'm very good at mercy killings.

**Bender** (to Zoidberg): No need to repay me. (Putting his arms around Fry and Amy) I'm just glad I can serve my...

**Fry** (angrily, getting out of Bender's arm): That's it!

(Fry picks up the Takebadthoughtsoutofyourhead automatic and blasts it at Bender, returning his greed.)

**Bender** (over pressured): Oh man; Fry, you slag! I've seen too many things that I would love to steal over the past two weeks! What first, what first!

(Fry sits down on a seat and puts his feet up.)

**Fry** (full of himself): He he he, the old greedy Bender's back.

(Leela, Amy, Zoidberg, Hermes and the Professor look at Fry angrily.)

**Fry** (getting scared and hiding under the table): Though it might be a mistake!


	3. The Good, the Bad, and the Metallic

(After an alien sells the Planet Express building to Amy's parents, the crew try to get rid of them, Bender in particular. But when the crew come up with a plan to get rid of the two, will Bender go through with it?)

Shortened Opening Sequence plays

Caption: _Bah-weep-Graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong_

Act one

(Act starts at the Planet Express building. Bender is sitting at the conference table in the conference room. Bender is playing his banjo.)

**Bender** (singing): _Give me a home_

_Where the buggalo roam_

_Where the hyperdeer and the astroantelope play_

(The Professor enters the room frustrated.)

**Professor** (frustrated, at Bender): Stop all that racket!

(Bender puts the banjo into his cabinet. Bender exits the room muttering. The Professor sits onto his chair and falls asleep. Bender walks into the TV room. In the TV room Fry, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg are watching _The Scary Door_. The scene cuts to the TV. The intro shows a stomach wearing a Davey Crockett hat, a kiwi bird wearing a kilt, a seven-legged man running in a hamster wheel, a dog walking a human, a fish with human legs and a newt wearing a bikini.)

**Scary Door Narrator**: As you walk down a walking trail it turns into a giant snake. When you pick up a pine cone it turns into a one-eyed hedgehog-like monster. These things would make no sense, unless you count the fact that you are entering…the Scary Door!

(The door opens up and reveals a forest. A hiker is walking down a trail.)

**Scary Door Narrator**: Please watch, unless you didn't live to see it, Herbert Hogger, a hiker with a hatred of small animals.

**Herbert Hogger** (kicking at some squirrels): Hey; get lost, fur-balls!

(The animals of the forest look sinisterly at Herbert Hogger. Squirrels, rabbits, porcupines, rats, pigeons, lizards, snakes, frogs, newts, salamanders, and axolotls run up to Herbert and jump onto him. Herbert screams in pain. The scene cuts back to the TV room.)

**Bender** (holding a beer bottle): Yeah yeah, saw it coming.

(Bender drinks his beer. The scene cuts to Hermes's office. Hermes is stamping forms. Suddenly a can comes down from a glass tube.)

**Hermes** (picking up the can): Great griffin of Tiffin, an emergency letter! I only hope it's got nothing to do with the property market.

(Hermes opens the can, reads the letter and gasps.)

(Dramatic sting)

(The scene cuts to the conference room. The Professor is still sleeping. Hermes comes running in.)

**Hermes** (waking up the Professor): Bad news everyone!

**Professor** (wakes up): Ahhwahh! I'm trying to sleep here, Hermes. Be quiet!

(Hermes whispers something into the Professor's ear. The Professor gasps. The scene cuts to the TV room. Fry, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg are sitting on the couch and Bender is standing up. The Professor runs in inhaling.)

**Professor** (inhaling): Bad…News…Every…One!

**Hermes** (angrily, off-screen): Hey that's what I said!

(The scene cuts to the conference room. Everyone is sitting at the table. The hologram projector in the middle of the table is showing a screen showing the property ladder. The Planet Express building is next on it.)

**Professor**: The bad news is that according to this we are now being affected by the property ladder! Our landlord wants to sell the building!

(Everyone except for the Professor and Hermes gasp)

(Dramatic sting)

**Professor**: For those of you who don't know…

**Fry**: Yeah, I know what property ladder means.

**Hermes** (wiping his head): Phew!

**Professor**: The only way to stop the sale is to reason with our landlord—Wullo.

**Fry** (popping his hand up): Ooh ooh, can I come too?

**Hermes** (reluctant): Ahh, all right.

(The scene cuts to the Planet Express ship going towards Saturn's moon Mimas. On the surface there is a glass dome with an old fashioned shack in it. The ship lands into the inside of the dome. Fry, Hermes and the Professor walk out of the ship and walk up to the shack.)

**Fry**: Why's our landlord live on Mimas?

**Hermes** (to Fry): I don't care.

**Professor**: Well here we are the shack of our landlord—Wullo. I warn you however he's a little unusual, (whispering) he wears goggles.

(Fry, Hermes and the Professor walk into the shack. In the middle of the room a teal blue chubby alien is sitting behind a run-downed desk. The alien's face looks like a warthog's face with a nose that looks like a tapir's trunk it also has two bat wings and long legs with rhinoceros like feet. The alien is wearing a brown sleeveless jacket, a belt with lots of gadgets on it and large black goggles on its eyes. The alien is playing around with some four-sided dice and appears to be unaware of their arrival.)

**Fry** (astonished): Wow, we have an alien for a landlord!

**Hermes** (to Fry): Yeah, but he has a bad temper.

**Fry**: Then in that case, I better give him some universal greetings.

(Fry walks up to the desk.)

**Fry**: (Clears his throat) _Bah-weep-Graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong_

(The alien looks at Fry and then turns to Hermes and the Professor.)

**Wullo** (to the Professor and Hermes): Gdfr khu dfgfa la qm lkjhkhj dfasf? (Translation: What the hell is he talking about?)

(Hermes and the Professor look at Fry confused.)

**Fry** (to the Professor and Hermes): I saw it in a movie...and it had robots in it...but none of them said "bite my shiny metal ass".

**Wullo**: Hwghnh Q pgfrtg khu ngcghbbg? (Translation: Should I repeat the question?)

**Hermes** (to Wullo): Excuse me, but we are from Earth, (loudly) speak English!

(Wullo speaks in a Spanish accent.)

**Wullo**: What are you doing here?

**Hermes** (taking out a piece of paper, to Wullo): We're here because you put our building up for sale.

(Wullo takes off his goggles revealing two big eyes with small pupils.)

**Wullo** (looking at the paper): Yes, I am moving up the property ladder.

**Hermes** (angrily, to Wullo): We want to stay there!

**Wullo** (putting his goggles back onto his eyes): Sorry can't help you, pal. I already sold it.

**Professor** (shocked): What!

(Wullo sighs)

**Hermes** (to Wullo): You don't have to repeat.

(The scene cuts to the Planet Express ship going back to Earth. The ship lands into the hanger of the Planet Express building. Leela, Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg are still sitting at the conference table. Leela is reading a book titled _How to Raise a Condor_. Bender is playing solitaire. Amy is looking at herself in her make-up mirror. Zoidberg is gnawing on a mouldy, old ram bone. Fry, Hermes, and the Professor enter the room.)

**Professor**: Even bader news, everyone, the building is already sold!

(Leela, Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg gasp.)

**Leela** (putting down her book): Who to?

**Hermes** (to Leela): He didn't say.

**Fry** (to Leela): But I'm sure it's one of those snooty, good-for-nothing bastards like...

(A small robot (that resembles the mouse droids from _Star Wars_) enters the room.)

**Small robot**: Presenting your new masters!

(Amy's parents enter the room.)

**Amy** (shocked): Mom! Dad! What are we doing here?

**Leo Wong**: We own this building and all of its appliances!

**Bender** (disappointed): Oh crap!

Act two

(Suspense music plays)

(The act starts at the Planet Express building. In the conference room Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, Zoidberg, Hermes and the Professor are gathered round Amy's parents. Scruffy is polishing the table in the background.)

**Leo Wong**: Now that I'm here, there are changes to be made. PERMANANT CHANGES!

**Inez Wong**: Because this company stinks!

**Professor** (angrily): But this is my company!

**Small robot** (approaching the Professor): Was!

**Inez Wong**: And that explains why it stinks!

**Leo Wong**: Now to get down to business, the changes will be abrupt! For starters, we will have to get rid of the obese levels by abolishing junk food!

(Hermes is about to eat a manwich. Inez comes up to Hermes, grabs the manwich and throws it in the bin.)

**Hermes** (shocked): My manwich!

**Inez Wong** (to Hermes): Just get a warlock!

**Leo Wong**: Secondly, we need less useless appliances that just cost money.

(Bender doesn't bother to listen. Bender lifts up a beer bottle and is about to drink it when Leo interrupts him.)

**Leo Wong** (at Bender): I'm talking to you, BIG STUPID DRINKING GARBAGE CAN!

**Bender** (angrily): Hey!

(Leo walks up to Bender and starts observing him like he's some kind of strange thing from another planet.)

**Leo Wong** (to Bender): Wait a minute; you're that robot my daughter slept with!

**Bender** (to Leo): Sort of.

**Leo Wong** (to Bender): Ok I'll let you off this time, (angrily) but if you dare look at my daughter in any sensual nature I swear I will recycle you into two thousand trash cans, and none of them will drink!

(Bender gulps)

**Leo Wong** (walking away from Bender): And finally, everyone here must have a job. And anyone here who doesn't have a job will be immediately (shouting) FIRED! (Pointing at Scruffy) Who the hell is this guy?

**Scruffy**: I'm Scruffy...the Janitor.

**Leo Wong** (to Scruffy): And what do you do?

**Scruffy**: Scruffy's a janitor.

(The scene cut's to Fry and Bender's apartment at evening. Fry is playing with a yoyo. Bender is throwing darts at a picture of Leo Wong.)

**Fry**: Man, I can't believe Amy's parents bought the building.

**Bender** (to Fry): It's not the first time the building has been run by a bunch of bastards. Only a few years ago the role of CEO was taken over by a 80s guy with a terrible case of boneitus. And after that, the company got sold to a trio of pink, nudist alien scammers.

**Fry** (to Bender): I can still feel where Nibbler blasted the code off!

**Bender** (to Fry): The point is I'm sick of just letting these little slags take over. They say I can't look at their daughter.

**Fry** (to Bender): I thought you weren't going out with Amy anymore.

**Bender** (to Fry): I may have stopped dating Amy, but the point is that I can look at anything I like in any way I want.

(The scene cuts to Zoidberg's dumpster at night. Amy's parents walk up to the dumpster and open it revealing Zoidberg sleeping in it. Zoidberg wakes up.)

**Inez Wong** (angrily, to Zoidberg): No one's allowed to sleep in our dumpster.

**Zoidberg** (angrily, to Amy's parents): Oh yeah, well make me leave!

(Inez grabs a broom and starts hitting Zoidberg with it. Zoidberg runs away waving his claws about.)

**Zoidberg** (running away): Ahhhh, woop woop woop woop!

(The scene cuts to the TV room. Amy is sitting at the table looking at herself through a makeup mirror. Leela is reading a magazine titled _Bunyips of Tasmania_. Scruffy is doing some mopping with Washbucket in the background. The news is on.)

**Linda** (on TV): (Laughs) and finally, in business news, prices for buildings in the area of New New York sky rocket high as the Mars Wongs finish buying every building of their interest in the city.

**Morbo** (on TV): It seems obvious now that humans' greatest weakness is buildings, just wait and see what happens when my race's overlords hear about this!

(Morbo laughs evilly. Linda laughs. Amy's parents enter the room.)

**Leo Wong** (angrily): Hey, what are you doing sitting down and doing nothing?!

**Scruffy**: Scruffy's doing his work.

**Leela** (to Amy's parents): For your information, Mr and Mrs Wong, its night-time and secondly every delivery orders we got have been turned down by you guys.

**Inez Wong** (angrily): I bet Amy's not doing any work because she's busy stalking the bending robot!

**Amy** (angrily, to her parents): Mom gleash, I'm just plutonic friends with Bender...in a way...sort of...maybe.

(Amy is about to pick up a fashion magazine but accidently picks up Bender's subscription to _Playbot_.)

**Leo Wong** (angrily, at Amy): Huh, you're still attracted to robots!

**Amy** (to her parents): Now that was just an accident.

(The scene cuts to the Professor's lab. The Professor is testing a doomsday device that looks cross-between a flamethrower and a mechanical spider.)

**Professor**: Now to only get the right electricity tone and then people will be unaware that they will be blasted from above!

(The Professor laughs crazily. Amy's parents enter the room looking angry.)

**Leo Wong** (angrily): No doomsday devices!

**Professor** (looking away from his doomsday device): Wa?

(The doomsday device suddenly goes off. The fire blasts onto the Professor's head. The Professor runs around screaming and waving his hands around in the air.)

**Professor** (screaming): Ohhh! Owww! Ohhh! Owwwoooo!

(Inez is holding a fire extinguisher. She blasts it at the Professor's head.)

**Inez Wong** (angrily): No more creating doomsday devices!

**Professor**: But my doomsday devices have mysteriously disappeared, I have to create more or no one is going to run in fear.

**Leo Wong**: We sold them to Blatherbot.

**Professor**: Wehe what?

(The scene cuts to Blatherbot (the blathering member of the League of Robots in _The Beast with a Billion Backs_) sitting on an arm chair next to a fire place. Surrounding him are the Professor's doomsday devices.)

**Blatherbot** (to the audience): Ah yes! All these doomsday devices are now mine. It was lucky I got em' before Hedonismbot. Oh yes yes.

(The scene cuts back to the Professor's lab.)

**Professor** (angrily): You sold my doomsday devices!

**Leo Wong** (not caring): Yeah, big deal.

**Professor** (angrily): Prepare to feel a world of pain!

(The Professor punches Leo, but since the Professor is very old it doesn't hurt Leo at all.)

**Professor** (holding his hand in pain): Ow!

(The doomsday device that the Professor was working on suddenly short-circuits.)

**Professor** (angrily): Now I have no doomsday devices at all!

**Inez Wong** (walking up to the remains of the device and shoving it into the bin): Yeah yeah, big whoop!

**Professor** (angrily): That's it!

(The Professor picks up his phone and dials Wullo's number. The scene spilt screens. On the right shows the Professor talking into his phone in his lab. On the left shows Wullo in a Mars casino wearing a black tuxedo and a black top hat.)

**Wullo** (into the phone): Hello this is Wullo, fancy-dancy-sexy landlord! How may I help you?

**Professor** (into the phone): This is Hubert Farnsworth.

(Wullo's face turns into a shocked expression.)

**Wullo** (shocked, into the phone): What?! Just forget what I said, how may I help you?

**Professor** (into the phone): Well for starters, I don't want these Mars snoots going round the place and rearranging my routines! I want them out!

**Wullo** (into the phone): Yeah yeah yeah, but I don't care about that little spider hole, not when I have my twenty hovercopters, thirty Hover Ultimate Aeros, sixty billion robot butlers and (melodramatically) thirty acre casino!

**Professor** (angrily, into the phone): Now look here, hog head; this is my building, my business, and my company and I'm not going to let some slim ball like you just sit there and...

(A French waitress holding a silver platter walks up to Wullo.)

**Waitress** (to Wullo): Here's your slug pudding, Mr. Wullo.

**Wullo** (to a waitress): Hey baby, I like to see those hips just 'round and 'round and 'round...

**Professor** (shocked, into the phone): What!?

**Wullo** (into the phone): Ummm...Long story short, you're not getting the building back, Wullo out!

(Wullo hangs up.)

**Professor** (angrily, putting down the phone): Ohhh!

(The scene cuts to the conference room. The Professor has called a conference about Amy's parents. Attending is Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, Zoidberg, Hermes, and Scruffy.)

**Professor**: As you are or are not aware of, I have had it up to here with Mr and Mrs. Wong going up and down here driving this company into the ground even worse than the times I did! Even though you might like them here...

**Leela** (to the Professor): What do you mean?

**Fry** (to the Professor): We've had it up to here with them!

**Bender** (to the Professor): They're bastards!

**Amy** (to the Professor): My parents are evil!

**Zoidberg** (to the Professor): They treat me worse than you guys do!

**Hermes** (to the Professor): They confiscated my stapler!

**Scruffy**: Scruffy don't like them snoots!

**Professor**: Well the point still remains, if Wullo won't kick them out then I guess we better do it ourselves!

**Fry** (to the Professor): But how? They comply with no one!

**Leela**: Hmmm, we need to get their attentions somehow, but it will have to be something that they just can't stand.

**Amy**: Well, my parents do have an obsession with my love life.

(Everyone looks at Bender.)

**Bender** (standing up): Wow now wow, I know that Mr. Wong was just threatening but what if he really is a psycho?!

**Professor** (to Bender): Well we won't know now, those ruffians confiscated my What-If machine.

**Bender**: But he really doesn't like me!

**Fry** (to Bender): Bender, if you don't stand up to them then they will just laugh at you for the rest of their lives!

**Bender** (angrily): Those twerps! You have a deal, give me the order and I'll be all over Amy!

**Professor**: Then it's settled! We're going to mess them up like what I did to this company!

Act three

(Act starts in the TV room. Bender is wearing sunglasses and is standing next to a boombox. Amy is wearing her party board attire she wore in _Kif Gets Knocked up a Notch_ and has her party board under her arm. Fry and Leela are also in the room. Scruffy is cleaning the window in the background.)

**Leela** (to Amy and Bender): Ok, now Hermes has hacked into and turned off the security cameras that Amy's parents are using to spy on us. When Hermes turns them back on you will start acting as how you rehearsed, clear?

**Bender** (to Leela): Ok, but if this doesn't work I have three alternatives.

**Fry** (to Bender): Spit 'em out.

**Bender** (to Fry and Leela): #1: Get them to buy custard from Hedonismbot. #2: Throw them at Roberto. And #3: Leave them in a small room with the hair robot.

**Leela** (to Bender): Ahh, ok. Those will be the worse comes to worse alternatives.

(Fry, Leela and Amy leave the room. Leela brings out a walkie-talkie.)

**Leela** (into the walkie-talkie): Limbo, this is One-Eye, everything's ready.

**Hermes** (out of the walkie-talkie): Ok mon, ah I mean...you know what I mean.

(The security cameras turn back on. Leela puts her thumb up at Bender. Bender turns on the boombox and it plays heavy metal music.)

**Bender** (singing, doing an air guitar): _It's a long way to the top if you want to rock n' roll!_

(Amy comes in on her party board.)

**Amy**: Wooohooo!

(The party board lands. When Amy is stepping off she slips but gets back up.)

**Bender** (to Amy, acting, turning the boombox off): Hey baby! You just arrived in the sexiest way imaginable!

**Amy** (to Bender, acting): Ok, it would have been.

**Bender** (to Amy, acting): How about you give Bender a kiss?

**Amy** (to Bender, acting): Sure, but won't my parents be upset?

**Bender** (to Amy, acting, flinging away his sunglasses): Screw them!

(Amy and Bender start making out.)

**Bender** (whilst making out): Ooh yeah baby!

(Almost as soon as they started making out, Amy's parents enter looking angry.)

**Inez Wong** (angrily, at Amy): Irrrr, I should have known you were still going out with the robot! We are absolutely disgusted!

**Leo Wong** (angrily): Now to do the only thing I can get away with, get rid of the robot!

**Bender** (to Amy's parents): You don't scare me, besides as if you really meant it in meaning...Wait you really meant it?

**Leo Wong** (angrily, at Bender, taking out a ray gun): Of course!

(Leo starts shooting at Bender. Bender runs away calling for help. He runs past Fry and Leela.)

**Fry** (to Leela): Perhaps we should reconsider the three crazy robot alternatives.

**Hair robot** (to Fry and Leela): I resent that!

(The scene cuts to the ship hanger. Bender jumps into the hanger. Leo soon runs into the hanger. The two stand ten metres away from each other.)

(Wild western showdown music plays)

(Fry, Leela, Amy, Zoidberg, Hermes, and the Professor look at them from the conference room.)

**Leo Wong** (angrily, to Bender): Why'd you kiss my daughter?!

**Bender** (angrily, to Leo): I guess 'cause I'm rebelling!

**Leo Wong** (angrily, to Bender): What are you rebelling against?!

(The small robot rolls past Bender's feet and Bender kicks it. The small robot goes flying away screaming.)

**Bender** (angrily, to Leo): What'd you got?!

(Bender grabs a ray gun out of his cabinet and starts shooting at Leo. Leo starts shooting at Bender. Bender shoots Leo's hat off. Bender grabs a blurnsball bat and throws it at Leo who dodges it. Leo grabs one of the Professor's test tubes and throws it at Bender. Bender jumps away. The test tube hits the wall and explodes. Bender gets his head out of his chest. Leo suddenly shoots at the hand that Bender is holding his gun. The hand and the gun go flying off.)

**Bender** (in pain, kneeling down): Ahhhhwwwooo!

(Fry, Leela, Amy, Zoidberg, and Hermes gasp)

**Professor**: Oh my!

**Fry** (exclaiming): Noooo, you bastard!

(Leo walks up to Bender holding both guns and laughing triumphantly.)

**Leo Wong** (at Bender): Hehehehehe; any last words, Big Stupid Drinking Garbage Can?

**Bender** (getting up, to Leo): The name's not Big Stupid Drinking Garbage Can, it's BENDER!

(Bender opens up his cabinet and releases lots of tear gas.)

**Leo Wong** (coughing): Oh...no...Tear gas!

(Leo falls unconscious.)

**Bender**: Sometimes this is just too easy!

(Leo begins to wake up later.)

**Bender** (off-screen): Wakey wakey! You don't want to miss this!

(The scene shows Leo and Inez tied together with rope and hanging over a water tank. Bender is standing on a platform.)

**Leo Wong** (to Bender): Imbeciles, fools, nincompoops, you idiots should have taken care of us when you had the chance!

**Bender** (angrily, at Leo): Nincompoop, I'll show you!

**Professor** (shouting, off-screen): Just get down to business!

**Inez Wong** (angrily, at Bender): What business?

**Bender** (to Amy's parents): Oh simply give us back the building, take all your stuff, and get the hell out of here!

**Leo Wong** (angrily): NEVER!

**Bender** (to Amy's parents): Fine then, hope you can swim, 'cause you're going for a dip...In the lamprey tank.

(Dramatic sting)

(An anaconda-sized lamprey submerges out of the water and screeches.)

**Inez Wong** (to Bender): You wouldn't dare!

**Bender** (to Amy's parents): You wouldn't, I would!

**Leo Wong** (to Inez): He's bluffing. (To Bender) I mean you'd have to be crazy, right.

**Bender** (to Amy's parents): Let's find out!

(Bender pulls a lever and Amy's parents start getting lowered into the tank.)

**Leo Wong** (pleading, to Bender): Ok, ok! We'll leave, just stop this!

**Bender**: Hmmm, ok.

(Bender pulls the lever up and Amy's parents stop getting lowered.)

**Bender** (sarcastic, to Amy's parents): No hard feelings, ah.

(Zoidberg suddenly jumps onto the platform looking angry with his frill up.)

**Zoidberg** (angrily): I've had it up to here with those two! Scare me away from my dumpster huh; let's see how you like it!

(Zoidberg pulls the lever straight down. Amy's parents drop into the water.)

**Amy's parents** (floundering, off-screen): AHH! OHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STUPID PRAWN!

(The scene cuts to the front door at the Planet Express building. Amy's parents are walking out dripping wet and with their cloths torn. Hermes is showing them out.)

**Hermes** (to Amy's parents): Thank you, come again...NOT!

(The scene cuts to the conference room. Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, Zoidberg, and the Professor are sitting at the table. Hermes sits down.)

**Hermes**: They're out.

(Everyone cheers.)

**Professor**: Finally we have the building back, (angrily) no thanks to Zoidberg though.

**Zoidberg** (to the Professor): So what, we have the building back.

**Amy** (angrily, to Zoidberg): We're lucky they gave us back the building after you dropped them in with the spleasesuckers!

**Bender** (angrily): Right on sister, especially since the lampreys even took out most of their blood!

**Zoidberg**: But those two are so ANNOYIONG!

**Professor**: Oh fuff, those two may be extremely self-centred but do you know who is extremely obnoxious?

(Wullo suddenly enters but the Professor doesn't notice he is there. Everyone knows that the Professor means Wullo but they don't reply verbally. Instead they just shake their heads.)

**Professor**: The answer is Wullo. Now he's really incredibly thick.

(Wullo frowns and flies up behind the Professor. The Professor is still unaware of Wullo's presence.)

**Professor**: Out of everyone I've meet he has to be the most annoying scum that it has ever been my misfortune to encounter. He's thicker than concrete pavement. I mean, who talks sexually with a waitress when you're on a phone? He's just a little, good for nothing, low life scum bucket that's less attractive than Zoidberg. I mean Mr and Mrs. Wong may be control-freaks, but they're nothing compared to that little hog-faced...

**Wullo** (angrily): I'm feeling a bit woozy!

(The Professor freezes in fear.)

**Wullo** (angrily): Don't worry; I usually feel a bit woozy before the loud screaming! Before the air is filled with entrails! Before everyone and thing is covered with blood! Before I pound you within an inch of your life into a BLOODY MASS!

**Professor** (to Wullo): Ahh, I did not mean that.

**Wullo** (angrily, to the Professor): Don't bother; you sold your building and now you...

**Leela** (angrily, to Wullo): Hey wait a sec, you sold the building, not the Professor!

**Wullo** (to Leela): What does it matter, my dear little cyclops?

**Leela** (to Wullo): Everything, I thought you'd know that being a landlord!

**Fry** (to Wullo): Why'd you come here anyway?

**Wullo** (to Fry): Well young man, I came here to get my refund back.

**Hermes** (to Wullo): What refund?

**Wullo** (to Hermes): I don't know just a refund.

**Professor** (angrily, to Wullo): Oooh, you've caused us too much trouble today! We'll give you a flipping useless refund if you let us have something first.

**Wullo** (to the Professor): What thing?

(Short silence)

**Fry** (raising his hand): I have a thought.

(Everyone looks at Fry)

**Wullo**: I have a bad feeling about this.

(The scene cuts to twelve weeks later at the Mars casino that Wullo was given earlier. Bender is playing poker against Lrrr, the hair robot, Blatherbot, Hedonismbot, Glab, Barbados Slim and a dalek. Amy is giving Bender a back massage. Bender is also holding a figurine of a Remorhaz from _Dungeons & Dragons_. Fry and Leela are at the bar. The bartender is iZac. Zoidberg and Hermes are gambling at the coin slot machines. Scruffy and the Professor are sitting at a table. Performing on stage is Fanny.)

**Bender** (satisfied): Ahhh, things worked out this time, eh guys.

**Fry**: Sure did.

**Leela** (to Fry): I'm glad we gave that asinine landlord a lesson not to dabble with the property ladder again.

(Wullo comes flying up wearing a butler's outfit and holding a silver platter with two drinks on it.)

**Wullo** (to Fry and Leela): Here you go... (Quietly) harassers!

**Leela** (picking up her drink): I heard that!

(Fry picks up his drink. Wullo flies away scared. Fry and Leela clink their drinks together in a toast then they drink the drinks.)


	4. Mad as a Badlurr

(The crew are forced into the marines by Zapp Brannigan and are sent on a life or death mission into an alien hellhole.)

Shortened Opening Sequence plays

Caption: No News is Good News Everyone

Act one

(Act starts on a talk show called _Larry King's head_. Larry King's head is on a desk. Behind him is a bunch of multi-coloured dots in the shape of the continents.)

**Larry King's head** (to the audience): Don't forget, later I'll chat with Billionaire Bot about how he became so wealthy. Tonight we're talking to Captain Zapp Brannigan.

(Zapp Brannigan is sitting on a chair to the left of the desk.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Larry King's head): Hello Larry.

**Larry King's head** (to Zapp): Ok Zapp, what brought you into the DOOP?

(Zapp is looking away.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (turning his head towards Larry King's head): Oh! I don't know exactly. Kif, come here!

(Kif walks into the scene looking miserable and carrying a tray with some paper on it. Zapp picks up the paper and looks at it.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): No no no, not this script, the other one next to my bowling socks.

**Kif** (miserable): Uhh, sometimes I wonder why I ever joined the DOOP either.

**Larry King's head**: Okay that's enough.

(The captions of the entire conversation start rolling across the bottom of the screen.)

**Larry King's head** (to the audience): Next week on _Larry King's head_...

**Zapp Brannigan**: Why are there captions of everything I said?

(Both Kif and Larry King's head sigh. The scene pans out to reveal it's on the TV in the TV room at the Planet Express building.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (on TV screen): I mean c'mon, the viewers at home have ears, unless they're like the earless people of the earless planet.

(The TV switches off. Leela has turned the TV off and sighs. Fry walks in.)

**Fry** (to Leela): Hey Leela, what's you watching?

**Leela** (to Fry, frustrated): Just something annoying that you might never know.

**Fry** (to Leela): It was Zapp Brannigan, wasn't it?

**Leela** (to Fry, frustrated): Yes. I mean each time he just comes up with more and more hare-brained schemes to seduce me. I think it would be better just to give up.

(The scene cuts to the conference room. Amy is sitting at the conference table typing on her laptop. Hermes is sitting at the table looking at some forms. The Professor is asleep in his chair. Zoidberg is sitting on the Planet Express ship with an apple on his head. Bender is standing in front of the conference table holding a ray gun. He is attempting to shoot the apple off Zoidberg's head.)

**Bender** (aiming): Easy...Easy...If it worked for what's-his-name than it will work for me, Bender!

(Bender shoots but it just misses. Zoidberg grabs the apple with his face-flaps and eats it.)

**Zoidberg** (rubbing his tummy): Immm, yummy yummy!

**Bender** (angrily): Irrrrrr, how'd you like this, Prawn Cracker!

(Bender shoots at Zoidberg. Zoidberg jumps off the ship and runs away.)

**Zoidberg** (screaming): Woop woop woop woop!

**Bender** (to the audience): Planet Express would like to warn all small children watching this program that shooting an apple off a lobster's head is a darn stupid thing to do, but it makes me look cool!

(A phone next to the Professor suddenly rings.)

**Professor** (waking up): Ahhhwahh!

(The Professor picks up the phone.)

**Professor** (into the Phone): Hello.

(The screen splits. On the right is the Professor on the phone. On the left is Megatron (as he looks like in the original Transformers cartoon) talking into a communicator connected to Soundwave (who also looks like what he looked like in the original Transformers cartoon))

**Megatron** (into the phone): You may have beaten me last time we encountered, but I'm not giving up so easy, Autobot scum!

**Professor** (into the phone): Pardon?

**Megatron** (angrily, into the phone): You know what I'm talking about, you will never defeat...

(The screen splits again. In the middle is Starscream (as he looks in the original Transformers cartoon) talking into a communicator. Behind him are Skywarp and Thundercracker (who also look like what they looked like in the original Transformers cartoon))

**Starscream** (into the phone): Now I'd like one Hawaiian, one vegetarian...

**Megatron** (shouting angrily, into the phone): STARSCREAM!

**Starscream** (nervous, into the phone): Megatron! Why are you working at the pizzeria?

**Megatron** (angrily, into the phone): Just get off the blooming phone!

**Starscream** (nervous, getting off the phone): Ahh!

(The Starscream split disappears.)

**Megatron** (into the phone): Anyways, you are doomed...Optimus Prime!

**Professor** (confused, into the Phone): Ehh, wha?

**Megatron** (into the phone): Is this Autobot city?

**Professor** (into the phone): No, this is the Planet Express building.

**Megatron** (into the phone): Oops, wrong number.

(The Megatron split disappears. The Professor puts the phone down.)

(Short silence)

**Professor**: What a strange man?

**Bender** (to the Professor): Listen, have you seen Dr. Zoidberg? I think I might do some target practice on him.

(Hermes picks up a bar of dark chocolate and bites into it.)

**Hermes** (mouth full): Oh mon, this stuff's darker than Voldermort and Unicron combined!

**Zoidberg** (running in): Lord Voldercron, I love that guy!

**Bender** (pointing at Zoidberg): There he is! Come and get it!

(Zoidberg runs around whilst Bender tries to shoot him.)

**Zoidberg** (running around): Woop woop woop woop!

(Zoidberg hides behind Amy's chair.)

**Amy** (angrily, to Zoidberg): Grah, get away, crab!

**Zoidberg** (cowering back): Don't hurt me...Please

(Bender angrily puts the gun down.)

**Bender** (frustrated): Irrr, stupid lobster! You know, you're only lucky I put Amy second on the _Do Not Kill List_. If it wasn't for that I'll be shooting at you like Clint East...Uh oh!

(Amy gasps excitedly)

**Amy** (to Bender): Ahhh, that's so sweet!

(Amy stands up and hugs Bender. Bender just looks nervous.)

**Bender**: It was wrong to share.

(Fry and Leela enter the room.)

**Fry** (to Bender): Hey Bender. Hey, why's Amy hugging you?

**Amy** (to Fry): Bender said that he put me on his _Do Not Kill List_.

**Bender** (to Amy): Yeah, you weren't meant to hear that!

(The scene cuts to the underground White House. Richard Nixon's head is on a desk with the robotic arms out. Zapp and Kif enter.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Nixon's head): Mr. President's head, I believe I have been summoned.

**Richard Nixon's head** (to Zapp): Zapp Brannigan, we have war on our hands!

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Kif, I told you to wash them.

(Kif sighs. The screen turns on and shows a rainforest planet.)

**Richard Nixon's head** (pointing his laser-pointer at the planet): This is Badluur 87, a planet in the Badluur system. It wasn't long ago that they used to be part of the DOOP, but after the ambassadors came back three times dismissed, the new emperor broke away from their diplomatic ties and has started to explore military options...

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Nixon's head): Does that mean we will have a new army?

**Kif** (frustrated, to Zapp): Of course not, it's something much worse!

**Richard Nixon's head** (to Zapp): It means that they might be planning to take down the DOOP, arooooooooooooooow! Options?

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Nixon's head): I say we comply with this, this...is...WAR!

**Kif** (to Zapp): Why am I the one who always has to correct you?

**Richard Nixon's head** (to Zapp): I'd hate to say it, but we don't need a war, we just need to sneak a force to the centre and badger them into surrender, thus ending the war before it starts.

**Zapp Brannigan** (dramatically): Very well, then send the marines in!

**Kif** (to Zapp): We need to draft.

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Why?

**Kif** (to Zapp): Because you sent all of them on a suicide mission to the underwater killbots!

**Richard Nixon's head** (to Zapp): We'll need to hire six foolhardy nobodies to go on a badgering mission of peace!

(Zapp thinks and comes up with an idea.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Nixon's head): I think I know just the nobodies!

(The scene cuts back to the Planet Express conference room. The giant screen comes on. Zapp Brannigan is on the screen.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (on TV screen): You've been drafted to the marines!

(Leela sighs)

**Professor**: Well it seems you'll be off!

Act two

(Act starts at South Street Spaceport. A crowd of various human, robot and alien characters are gathered around the Nimbus. Zapp Brannigan and Kif are standing on a large stand with the Earth flag behind them. Zapp goes up to a microphone.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (into the microphone): Today, our brave marines go off to a life or death mission...to get rid of some badass alien trouble-makers!

(The crowd cheers. Bender pushes through to get the crew a good look.)

**Bender** (pushing through): Excuse me! Marine coming through! Out of my way! No time for squirts!

**Leela**: Oh lord! I bet this is just another hare-brained scheme!

**Bender** (excited): Yoo-hoo! Marines, yeah that's us! Especially me, Bender!

(A robot walks up and stands in front of Bender.)

**Bender** (to the robot): Yo buddy (whistle) do you mind getting out of my way?

**Robot** (to Bender): Pardon me sir, but if you want to see go find somewhere else.

**Bender** (to the robot): Hey, you're voice sounds familiar.

**Robot** (to Bender): Well I do get round, if you catch my drift.

(The robot turns around and it's the Masked Unit in his normal form.)

**Bender** (shocked): You, the Masked Unit!

**Masked Unit** (shocked): You... (Normal) Who the hell are you?

**Bender** (to the Masked Unit): I'm Bender, you know the guy who knocked you out cold at the theatre.

**Masked Unit** (to Bender): Oh yeah, (getting tough) now I believe we have some unfinished...

**Glab** (off-screen): All marines please come aboard immediately.

**Bender** (running off): Well so-long!

(The Masked Unit clenches his fists and growls. Fatbot walks up.)

**Fatbot** (to the Masked Unit): Gees, why'd you have a problem with that guy?

(The Masked Unit turns into his giant mode. Fatbot covers his eyes.)

**Masked Unit** (giant voice): I'll tell you why, WITH MY FISTS!

**Fatbot** (cowering back): Ahh, don't hurt me, please!

(Fatbot runs up to a mail box.)

**Fatbot** (scared): I'm feeling really nervous!

(Fatbot rips the mail box out of the ground and eats it. The scene cuts to characters boarding the ship. Boarding the ship is: Glab, iHawk, the jellyfish nurse, Reverent Preacherbot, Humorbot 5.0, Calculon, Fanny, Mr. H.G Blob, the army-recruitment officer from _War is the H-Word_, and lots of DOOP troops. The crew walks up to the entrance. Hermes is hugging LaBarbera.)

**LaBarbera** (to Hermes): Don't worry it'll be fine. Both Dwight and your job will pull through.

**Hermes** (to LaBarbera): Please, do me a favour if I don't come back.

**LaBarbera** (to Hermes): What?

**Hermes** (to LaBarbera): Never go back to Barbados Slim.

**LaBarbera** (to Hermes): Can do, can do.

(Hermes turns to Dwight)

**Hermes** (to Dwight): Son, if I don't come back you can have my office equipment.

**Dwight** (to Hermes): Dad, I'll treasure it.

(Meanwhile, Kif sees Amy among the crew.)

**Kif** (to Amy): Amy, is that you?

**Amy** (to Kif): Yes.

**Kif** (to Amy): Oh Amy, have you come say goodbye to me?

**Amy** (to Kif): No, actually I'm going into the marines.

(Dramatic sting)

**Kif** (shocked): (gasp) But...but...

**Amy** (to Kif): Don't worry about me Kif, I'll be alright, Bender will look after me, he treats anyone he dated with the most respect he can give anyone.

**Bender**: Which is actually quite a lot.

(Amy kisses Kif on the cheek.)

**Amy** (to Kif): I love you.

(Amy walks back to the crew. Nibbler runs up.)

**Nibbler** (to Amy): Are you sure? Perhaps I should show him my photo album!

(Nibbler starts laughing. Amy just frowns and pulls his eye on a stork.)

**Bender** (to Nibbler): A little advice to you, kangaroo rat, a joke's only funny if you don't use extortion!

**Nibbler** (to Bender): You mean black-mail.

**Bender** (to Nibbler): Eh, I like extortion better, (whispering) the ex makes it sound cool.

**Zoidberg** (complaining): Oh, I don't want to go to a dangerous mission, I could get killed or worse hurt! Oops, wrong way round!

**Bender** (to Zoidberg): Big problem for you yabby, I want to get into a fight! Yeah, a fight with lots of blood and teeth and blood!

(Zoidberg faints backwards.)

**Bender**: Wait, why did he even faint at the word blood? I thought as a doctor he would've seen lots of it.

(Zoidberg flips back up.)

**Amy** (to Bender): I got a new battle tattoo; it's of a harpy eagle! Wanna' have a look?

**Bender** (to Amy): Might as well.

(Amy pulls down her sweat pants to show Bender. Bender has a look.)

**Bender**: Neat!

(Bender gets out a camera and takes a photo. Meanwhile, Leela is saying goodbye to her parents.)

**Turanga Morris** (to Leela): Please be careful!

**Turanga Munda** (to Leela): You're our only child!

**Leela** (to her parents): I promise, please don't worry.

(The little girl from _A Leela of her Own_ comes up to Leela with a piece of paper and a pen.)

**Little girl** (to Leela): Please sign it.

(Leela picks up the paper and pen.)

**Leela** (to the little girl): What's your name?

**Little girl** (to Leela): Ahh, eBay.

**Leela** (signing the paper): Hmmm, sounds familiar?

(Leela gives the paper back to the little girl. The little girl walks off. Leela walks towards the entrance but bumps into Zapp and Kif.)

**Leela** (miserable): Oh lord!

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Leela): Well well well, the luscious Captain Leela, why not come to my love shack. I'm free on Fridays!

(Zapp raises his eyebrows suggestively. Fry walks up looking furious at Zapp. He is rolling up his sleeves.)

**Fry** (angrily, to Zapp): Who do you think you are, trying a pathetic way to seduce Leela?!

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Fry): What, you and Leela, has the sensual Leela fallen for a scrawny and not-so brawny little squirrel?

(Zapp starts laughing his head off)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Kif, that rhymes put it down in my diary.

(Kif sighs and rights it into Zapp's diary.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Fry): But still my point remains clear, what are you compared to a real man like moi?

**Leela** (to Zapp): Since when were you a real man?

**Fry** (angrily, to Zapp): Oh yeah, well how'd you like this!

(Fry punches Zapp in the stomach but it just hurts himself.)

**Fry** (in pain): Ow!

(Zapp smirks)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Fry): Ha, too much of a little wimp, eh?

(The Professor walks up with a handheld device and scans Zapp with it. The Professor reads the results.)

**Professor** (to Zapp): Certainly not! It isn't about Fry's strength; Zapp's stomach has three additional layers of fat.

**Kif** (frustrated): How come I'm not surprised?

**Scruffy**: Scruffy's going to miss them people. Uh-uh.

(Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, Zoidberg, and Hermes board the Nimbus.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Kif, before they move into their rooms, could you connect the security cameras to my TV.

**Kif** (to Zapp): Actually, I'd like to ask you sir why you brought Amy in as a marine? She could get killed!

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Well I couldn't hire grandpa wrinkly and weak crackpot over there.

**Professor** (crazily): Ohhoho yes!

(The Nimbus takes off.)

**Hedonismbot**: Good luck boys!

(Hedonismbot grabs a ladle out of a pot full of soy sauce and pours it all over himself.)

**Hedonismbot**: Oh ho ho, yes!

**Tinny Tim** (selling newspapers): Extra extra, read all about it! Old lady eats horse and survives...also secret mission goes ahead!

(Meanwhile, the Professor, Scruffy, LaBarbera, and Nibbler watch as the Nimbus flies off.)

**Professor**: Since our normal crew is gone, we will need you to deal with their delivery duties.

**LaBarbera** (pointing at Scruffy): Who the hell is this guy?

**Scruffy**: I'm Scruffy...the janitor.

**LaBarbera**: How come I've never seen him before?

**Scruffy** (to LaBarbera): Who are you then?

**LaBarbera** (to Scruffy): I'm Hermes's wife LaBarbera.

**Scruffy**: Oh.

**LaBarbera** (satisfied): Finally, things are looking up!

**Scruffy** (to LaBarbera): And you are?

(LaBarbera frowns. The scene changes to the Nimbus going through space. Everyone on the ship is gathered in a crowd in front of Zapp Brannigan, Kif, Glab and Nixon's head who are on a stand.)

**Zoidberg**: Move away! I want a look!

**iHawk** (to Zoidberg): Hey Doctor Incompadentberg, where's your medical license? Ha ha ha!

**Zoidberg** (angrily, to iHawk): Ooh, iHawk, my nemesis! You're my Moriarty, my Joker, my Dr. Cortex, and my Wernstrom!

(iHawk switches his switch to the maudlin side.)

**iHawk** (maudlin): No man here is a free one! (Switches to irreverent) No man here is'a fee one!

**Zapp Brannigan** (through the microphone): Now you're all wondering why your here...

**Bender** (shouting, off-screen): I DON'T CARE!

**Zapp Brannigan** (through the microphone): In short, please welcome ambassador to the planet Amphibios 9, Glab!

(The crowd claps as Glab walks up to the microphone.)

**Glab** (into the microphone): Greetings, today we welcome six new members to be our marines.

(A spotlight comes down and shines on Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy, Zoidberg, and Hermes. Bender starts dancing.)

**Bender** (dancing): Do the Bender! Do the Bender!

**Solider**: No thank you.

**Bender** (angrily, to the solider): I said do it!

**Glab**: Moving on...

(Glab turns a hologram on and it shows the planet Badluur 87. She gets out a laser-pointer.)

**Glab** (through the microphone): This Badluur 87 and these are the badluurians...

(The hologram turns into a hologram of an alien. The alien looks like a humanoid bird with four legs, long spindly arms with metre long claws; the beak has tooth-like ridges on it. Everybody starts vomiting and saying words of disgust.)

**Hermes** (shocked): Sweet stromatolite of...well, someplace that rhymes with stromatolite, that thing would make Zoidberg look attractive!

**Zoidberg** (waving his claws about): Hurray, I'm more attractive than an enemy alien!

**Glab** (through the microphone): It wasn't long ago that they used to be part of the DOOP, but after the ambassadors came back three times dismissed, the new emperor broke away from diplomatic ties and has started to explore military options.

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Nixon's head): Yeah, that's what you said president.

**Richard Nixon's head** (to Zapp): Don't mention it...EVER, aroooooooooow!

**Glab** (through the microphone): Our marine's job is to go into this hellhole, sneak into the high-security capital city and force the bad-tempered and savage emperor into surrendering! Well off to your rooms.

(The crowd starts moving to their rooms.)

**Fry** (to Hermes): Call me paranoid but I have a bad-feeling about this!

(Someone accidently bumps into Leela.)

**Leela** (to that somebody): Hey, watch it!

**Fanny** (to Leela): Leela, it's me, Fanny.

**Leela** (to Fanny): Who?

**Fanny** (to Leela): You know the Donbot's wife, Bender and I had an affair.

**Leela** (to Fanny): What are you doing here?

**Fanny** (to Leela): Morale. The troops need someone to boost it.

**Leela** (angrily, to Fanny): Well good for you!

(Leela storms off.)

**H.G. Blob**: Say, her voice sounds like actress Katey Sagal.

(The scene cuts to the Nimbus going through space.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (off-screen): Captain's Log: Star date:..Kif is this the sixteenth or the seventeenth?

**Kif** (off-screen): Uhh, seventeenth.

(In the Nimbus, the men are training. On a stage, Humorbot 5.0 is saying jokes.)

**Humorbot 5.0** (into a microphone): So I say to these three Decopodians...

**Reverent Preacherbot** (to Humorbot 5.0): Silence, somebody's fallen unconscious!

**Jellyfish nurse** (to Preacherbot): Don't worry, he'll live. But I still think he needs to woken, probably by someone famous.

**Calculon** (to the nurse): Someone famous you say?

(Calculon grabs the microphone off Humorbot 5.0)

(Music plays)

**Calculon** (singing): _Who's this singing at your training?_

_It's Calculon!_

_Calculon!_

_Calculoooooooooon!_

**Bender** (running up to Calculon): Oh it's Calculon! Hi Calculon! Great singing Calculon! Remember me, Calculon?

**Calculon** (to Bender): Well, for starters you came to me complaining about were-car mumbo-jumbo, then you become my hot-water heater, then you came onto my show and took it over and as I recall you joined my league then took over that as well and ultimately over-all made my life (angrily) ROBOT HELL!

**Bender**: See, he remembers me!

(The scene cuts to Leela walking down a hallway. She accidently bumps into Zapp.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Leela): So, you finally came crawling to the Zapper!

**Leela** (frustrated, to Zapp): Of course not! I'm not even walking towards you're room!

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Leela): But I bet you were thinking it!

(Leela growls and punches Zapp in the face. Leela walks away.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (regaining conscious): Now let's try that again a little lower and a lot softer!

(The scene cuts to the dining tables. Bender and Hermes are playing two-up. Zoidberg walks up to the table and eats the wood and coins.)

**Zoidberg** (rubbing his tummy): Imm, wood! Wood and metal!

**Hermes** (angrily, to Zoidberg): You darn horseshoe crab!

**Bender** (putting his feet up): Well enough of this crap game which I was defiantly winning.

(An alarm suddenly rings. The crew run off to the deployment bay. The crew stands outside a futuristic submarine.)

**Glab**: Step inside.

(The crew steps in.)

**Leela**: Oh-oh! Shouldn't I be at the helm?

**Hermes** (to Leela): Don't worry; I put good enough intelligence at the wheel.

(The scene cuts to Bender and Amy at the pilots seats.)

**Bender** (picking up a gargoyle): What the hell is this for?

(Leela slams open the door.)

**Leela** (angrily, to Hermes): You put Honkey and Donkey in charge!

**Hermes** (to Leela): Hmmm, looking back on it now it's not such a good idea. Ok Leela, you'll be our cap...

(The scene cuts to the Nimbus' pilots' room. Zapp, Kif and Glab are getting ready to shoot the submarine to the planet.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Let's shoot em' out!

**Kif** (to Zapp): Sir, I don't think that's wi...

(Zapp slams Kif's head onto the fire button. Kif sighs. The submarine is blasted towards the planet. The crew all scream.)

**Zapp Brannigan** (off-screen): Good luck!

Act three

(Act starts on a river side on the rainforest planet of Badluur 87. The forest is swarming with strange and exotic animals.)

**Leela** (off-screen): Mission log: My crew and I have crashed on the planet Badluur 87. There's no turning back now, the only way out now is to do what needs to done...

**Fry** (to Leela): Leela, we don't even know where the temple is!

**Leela** (to Fry): Actually we have a holo-map in this thing I have on my wrist.

**Hermes**: Oh mon, this place is weird; endless swampy forests, unbearable stench, squelchy underfoot, strange animal noises, it's just like Zoidberg's butt! The important thing is to stay together.

**Zoidberg** (scared): I still think we need help. I'm calling Captain Brannigan.

(Zoidberg gets out a communicator.)

**Fry** (shouting): No!

(Fry rolls past Zoidberg, grabs the communicator and slaps Zoidberg in the face.)

**Zoidberg** (to Fry): Ow, that really hurt!

**Fry** (to Zoidberg): You'll thank me...perhaps.

(Fry throughs the communicator into the water. It hits a monster on the head. The thing looks like a really skinny crocodile with sixteen pairs of legs. The monster comes out of the water growling. The crew all scream. The scene cuts to the Planet Express building. In the Professor's lab the Professor is going to show LaBarbera, Scruffy, and Nibbler a new invention.)

**Professor**: Good news, everyone; behold my new invention a device that can turn DVDs into computer programs!

(The Professor walks over to a lever and grabs it.)

**Professor**: I don't know what the point of it is though.

(The Professor pulls the lever. The wall opens up and there's nothing behind it.)

**Professor**: What, where's it gone?

**LaBarbera** (to the Professor): Wait, you mean that big funky thing behind the go-go walls?

**Professor** (to LaBarbera): Yes, what of it?

**LaBarbera** (to the Professor): I put it up on eBay. It would be sold by now.

**Professor**: Whe-what?

(The scene cuts to the Decepticon hideout. Shockwave (as he looks like in the original Transformers cartoon) is on a computer. Starscream and Thundercracker walk up.)

**Starscream** (to Shockwave): Hey, I wanted to buy that myself!

**Thundercracker** (to Starscream): Since when would you want a machine that turns DVDs into computer programs? Also, since when did you buy on eBay?

**Starscream** (threatening, to Thundercracker): Since when was it any of your bees...

(Megatron smashes in.)

**Megatron** (angrily, to Starscream): STARSCREAM, you attempted to buy human food! And when I say human food, I mean food that humans' ea...

**Starscream** (to Megatron): Megatron, I can explain everything...

(Laserbeak (as he looks like in the original Transformers cartoon) is ejected out of Soundwave's chest and starts pecking at Starscream's face. Starscream squeals in pain.)

**Soundwave** (to Laserbeak): Good Laserbeak, there's a 100% chance that you'll get treats later.

(The scene cuts back to the Professor's lab. The Professor is furious.)

**Professor** (angrily, to LaBarbera): You just sold it!?

**LaBarbera** (to Professor): Sorry, mon; I didn't know what it was.

**Scruffy** (sarcastic): That makes perfect sense.

(A small rat walks across the table and Nibbler eats it whole.)

**Nibbler** (rubbing his tummy): Imm, ambrosia!

**Professor** (furious): That's it, it's official! You're barely good enough to top my old crew! For once the role of delivery crew isn't expendable! There's absolutely no way you can be good as my old crew, (pointing at Hedonismbot) especially you Hedonismbot!

(Hedonismbot is scoffing down grapes.)

**Hedonismbot**: I apologize...for nothing!

(The scene cuts back to Badluur 87. The monster is lying on the ground dead. The crew walk through the bushes with their clothes torn and looking pissed off.)

**Leela** (angrily): You know, this is the worst planet I've visited!

(Bender is putting the gun he used in _Bender's Big Score_ into his cabinet.)

**Bender**: I did like the part where the thing screeched in pain as I killed it.

**Leela** (to Fry): By the way, Fry, why'd you throw away our only communicator?

**Fry** (to Leela): Can you keep a secret?

**Leela** (to Fry): Anything to find out.

**Fry** (whispering, to Leela): Even though I know you can't stand Zapp, I still can't let him get another chance at you!

**Leela** (whispering, to Fry): But how could he have another chance?

**Fry** (whispering, to Leela): I don't know, maybe he'd put some sort of drug in your drink.

**Leela** (to Fry): Fry, I could never sleep with Zapp, even if I get drugged.

(Leela kisses Fry on the cheek. Fry smiles.)

**Hermes**: Bad news, when that thing attack us it ruined the holo-map in Leela's wrist-thing! We might never find the temple...

**Amy** (pointing at something): There it is!

(Astonishing sting)

(The scene pans out and reveals a huge temple resembling cross between Aztec pyramids and the Taj Mahal. The crew sneak into it. Two badluurian gunners are sleeping at the entrance gates.)

**Fry** (quietly): Ewww, those things are even grosser up closer!

**Zoidberg** (loudly): Hurray...

(The crew shushes Zoidberg.)

**Zoidberg** (sadly): Oh.

(The crew sneaks passed the gunners. The crew crawl behind some hedges towards the doorway into the temple. Two badluurian guards stand outside the doorway.)

**Leela** (quietly): Okay, now we have to find a safer route, those guards could blow our cover.

(Bender gets out his gun.)

**Bender** (quietly): I could terminate them!

**Amy** (quietly): I could show them my battle-tattoo!

**Hermes** (quietly): Those two options would blow our cover!

**Leela** (quietly): We're boned!

**Badluurian guard #1** (to the other guard): Hey, that's my ring!

**Badluurian guard #2** (to the other guard): So what?

**Badluurian guard #1** (to the other guard): My wife gave that ring to me at her father's death bed!

**Badluurian guard #2** (to the other guard): Your wife can (an animal calls out in the night concealing what the word is)!

**Badluurian guard #1** (to the other guard): What?!

**Badluurian guard #2** (to the other guard): I said she can (a potted plant falls off the roof concealing what the word is)!

**Badluurian guard #1** (angrily, to the other guard): Well you can (the wind gets loud concealing what the word is) yourself!

(The badluurian guards start fighting violently. The crew sneaks past them.)

**Bender**: Idiots!

**Badluurian guard #2**: What?!

**Fry**: Ahh, nothing!

**Badluurian guard #2** (to the other guard): You just called me idiots!

**Badluurian guard #1** (to the other guard): No I didn't, and that's bad spelling!

**Badluurian guard #2** (to the other guard): Oh, so you're a nerd!

**Badluurian guard #1** (angrily, to the other guard): No I'm not! I'm going to kill you, you idiots!

(The guards continue fighting allowing the crew to sneak through the doorway. The scene cuts to the Nimbus. In the pilot room Zapp and Kif are at the helm.)

**Kif** (to Zapp): Sir, I really think we should help the marines...

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): Kif, what we definitely don't need now is your "I really think we should..." attitude!

**Kif** (to Zapp): Maybe I have been too harsh on Amy since she slept with you...

**Zapp Brannigan** (to Kif): I don't know nothing, but I think she still has something for the robot...something valour!

(Kif sighs. The scene cuts to the badluurian temple. Inside the strategy room four badluurian generals are strategising. The crew are hiding behind some tables and are looking on the generals.)

**Zoidberg** (quietly): There they are, (frill opens up) let's get em'!

**Leela** (to Zoidberg, quietly): No!

(Zoidberg's frill goes down.)

**Fry** (quietly): Exactly...why?

**Leela** (to Fry, quietly): Because we have to see their plans first!

**Badluurian general #1**: I say we hit the Neutral Planet first...

**Badluurian general #2**: What a wimp! If we really want to make a mark, let's hit the Globetrotter Homeworld first...

**Badluurian general #3**: No, hit Amphibios 9 first...

**Badluurian general #4**: Imbeciles, if we really want to show the DOOP a lesson about what happens when they dismiss our ambassadors we should hit this miserable little planet...

(The fourth general turns on a hologram of Earth.)

(Dramatic music plays)

(The crew gasp quietly.)

**Badluurian general #4**: This planet, named Earth, will be a perfect start in the dissolving of the DOOP! We send all our forces to every continent; America, Europe, Africa, Asia, Australia, and even Antarctica, and when they huddle down in fear we will be on a hot-streak to win! Finally we will reveal our true strength; at last we'll have...

(The fourth general walks up to a curtain and pulls it off revealing an army greater and stronger than the DOOP army.)

**Badluurian general #4**: REVENGE!

**Badluurian general #3**: Master will repay us!

**Badluurian general #2**: He'll give us gold...

**Badluurian general #1**: And jewels...

**Badluurian general #4** (licking his chops): And liquor!

(Bender tries to attack the generals but Zoidberg and Hermes pulls him back.)

**Badluurian general #4** (evilly): They won't know what hit em'!

(All four of the generals laugh evilly.)

**Bender** (angrily, quietly): No one, I repeat, no one get's between me, Bender, and liquor!

**Badluurian general #3** (picking up a fridge magnet of Earth): Plus those earthicans are dump at design, just look at their fridge magnets.

(The magnet suddenly flies out of the general's hand and lands onto Bender's head.)

**Bender**: Oh-oh!

(Bender suddenly jumps up and starts dancing.)

**Bender** (folk-singing): _I still got the hots for a pink sweat-suit wearing..._

(The second general walks up to Bender and pulls the magnet off.)

**Bender**: Thank god...Oh-oh!

(The generals grab guns and point them at the tables that the crew are hiding behind.)

**Badluurian general #1**: Come out already!

(The crew comes out with their hands up.)

**Fry** (to Bender); Wow, I knew that magnets make you sing folk, but I never knew it made you say lies.

**Leela** (whispering, to Fry): I don't think it made him say lies!

(Fry thinks for a second.)

**Fry**: Oh, I get it!

**Badluurian general #4** (angrily): SILENCE!

**Badluurian general #3**: I should have known the DOOP would send in their snoops to spy on us!

**Amy**: We were just on our way out...

**Badluurian general #4**: Silence, you know too much! Let's take them to our emperor!

(The generals bring the crew to the emperor's throne room. The room is full of jewels and gold. At the end of the room is a huge throne-chair. The emperor is sitting on it holding a large staff. The emperor speaks like Mr. T.)

**Badluurian emperor** (angrily): What is this, you fool?!

**Badluurian emperor #4** (to the emperor): These are DOOP marines.

**Badluurian emperor**: These are the creatures that the DOOP sent in to defeat me, ha, pathetic suckers!

**Hermes** (to the emperor): Who are you?

**Badluurian emperor**: I am the emperor!

**Fry** (to the emperor): Wait, if you're the emperor, how come you sound like...what's his name...the Jewellery Man?

**Badluurian emperor** (angrily): SILENCE, SUCKER!

**Bender** (to Fry): He has a point, Fry; plus it's Mr. T.

**Leela** (to the emperor): What is your plan?

**Badluurian emperor**: Well, since you can't get out from this point, I might as well explain. First we attack one planet under DOOP control. Then we attack another planet. And so-on, until every planet under the control of the DOOP has fallen! Goodbye DOOP suckers!

(All of the badluurians laugh evilly.)

**Fry** (seriously, to the emperor): You won't get away with this!

**Badluurian emperor** (evilly): (laughs evilly) who's going to stop me?!

**Fry** (seriously, to the emperor): You haven't won yet!

(Fry grabs a scimitar from the pile of treasure. The generals point their guns at Fry.)

**Badluurian emperor** (angrily, to the generals, standing up): Back away, fools! I'll deal with this bug myself!

(The emperor throws away his staff.)

**Badluurian emperor** (evilly): A new power is rising!

(The emperor grabs a scimitar and jumps down from his throne. He lands in front of Fry. He performs some snazzy, complex, impressive moves with his scimitar. Fry tries to perform some snazzy moves with his scimitar but accidently hits Zoidberg off-screen.)

**Zoidberg** (off-screen, in pain): Ow!

**Fry** (to the emperor): Okay, this duel's going to be simple! Man versus...big...scary...alien man!

(Fry and the emperor start fighting with their scimitars. After a few minutes of fighting nothing has changed.)

**Leela** (picking up the staff and handing it to Bender): Bender, do the honours.

(Bender grabs the staff and wacks the emperor on the head with the staff. The emperor falls down.)

**Fry** (to the emperor): So do we have a deal?

**Badluurian emperor** (to Fry): Ok, ok, I surrender...sucker.

**Fry**: Zam!

(The scene cuts to Tinny Tim selling newspapers outside the Planet Express building.)

**Tinny Tim** (selling newspapers): Extra extra read all about it, war stops!

**Randy** (to Tinny Tim): What news on the old lady?

(The scene cuts to the conference room. The Professor is playing checkers with himself at the conference table. The crew arrives in.)

**Fry** (to the Professor): Hey Professor!

(The Professor turns around and sees that it's his crew.)

**Professor**: Oh thank god, you're back!

**Bender**: Yeah, we're back, baby!

**Professor**: Now please stay 'round here, please, anything to get me away from what I've experienced over the...well I don't know, twelve hours!

**Amy** (to the Professor): Smease Professor, it couldn't have been that bad.

**Professor**: No, it was worse!

**Bender** (to the Professor): Well, you're in luck, I've called together I big party tonight with Hasbro representatives!

**Leela** (to Bender): When are the guests arriving?

(A door bell rings.)

**Bender** (to Leela): Right about now.

(The crew walk to the front-door. Bender opens the door and Autobots (all as they look like in the original Transformers cartoon) come in. The Autobots are; Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Ironhide, Ratchet, Jazz, Prowl, Arcee, Ultra Magnus, Silverbolt, Air Raid, Jetfire, Wheeljack, Trailbreaker, Hoist, Hound, Grimlock, Swoop, Rewind, Steeljaw, Ramhorn, and Blaster.)

**Optimus Prime** (to Bender): Are you Bender Bending Rodríguez, descendant of the sport-utility robot?

**Bender** (to Optimus Prime): You know it, large and in charge!

**Fry** (to Bender): What is Optimus Prime doing here?

**Bender** (to Fry): Duh, Transformers is a Hasbro trademark!

(The crew and the Autobots walk into the hanger bay.)

**Bender**: It's party time! Hit it, Blaster!

(Blaster transforms into a boombox and plays _Til All Are One_ from _Transformers: War for Cybertron_. The Autobots start dancing.)

**Optimus Prime** (dancing): Now this is the right for all living beings!

(Bender, Amy, Fry, Leela, Zoidberg and Hermes start dancing like how they danced at the end of _The Mutants are Revolting_. The Professor simply waves his arms around. The credits start rolling. As the credits roll, _Til All Are One_ from _Transformers: War for Cybertron_ continues to play.)


End file.
